New Location

Information from this blog can now be found at http://jennifermlynch.blogspot.com  on my new blog entitled, My Beautiful Life.  Since I am ending my quest to be  a mommy of four, I will also be ending new posts to this blog.  However, I will keep the blog up so others may gain information or find comfort in our shared journey.  I wish that many of you, like Anonymous who posted a comment to this entry, will find success in your own journey to expand your family. While my husband and I are sad, we are also comfortable in our decision to move forward.  Here is a portion of what we wrote to our families sharing our decision.

"...however, we also know that things happen for a reason and if God intends for us to have another baby, it will happen, and any plans God has for us will be great...we are also relieved to move forward. It has been a long two years with a lot of heartache. Almost every month we spend two weeks holding our breath and then one week being sad. We have experienced three miscarriages, two failed IUIs and two failed IVFs. We have expended an extraordinary amount of time and effort and we are proud that we tried so hard. We are also emotionally tired and physically wiped out. We are looking forward to a new chapter where we can refocus on our family and fill our days with things that bring us happiness and good health, emotionally and physically...we wanted you to know that we have really appreciated all of your support, prayers, and help."

 

I will continue to write about whatever moves me to write.  Those entries can be found on the blog above.  Good luck to all-and now I will be moving forward in My Beautiful Life.

Didn't work out

Well, it didn't work out for us.  I will write about it later.  I am not ready to do that now.  The bottom line is that it didn't work out and my doctor said if I wanted to expand my family,  I should consider adoption.  So there it is ... I will never be a mother of four.  I will reflect more later.  For now, we are sad.

Two Week Wait

Okay, so I am now in the two week wait.  I had my IVF egg transfer last friday.  It is now Tuesday.  I was on bedrest Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  Monday I went back to work and started walking again, but tried to take it easy otherwise.  I have been drinking gallons of water and eating all the foods women are supposed to eat in early pregnancy and to encourage implantation-pineapple, walnuts, seasame seeds, pumpkin seeds, eggs, milk, dark leafy greens, lots of fruit....you get the drift.  I have focused on breathing and stretching, visualization, and keeping my midsection warm.

Today had an acupuncturist appointment.  He said my pulses felt "perky". My pulses were calm and "great."  He spent a lot more time feeling my pulses today, switching from side to side. Asking things like, "When is your appointment? Early next week?  No? Late next week? Hmmmm....."  He said something seems to be cooking that is different than usual and we will have to see how it all turns out.  Then, in a whispered voice, he said something I couldn't hear and then, "...reminds me of my daughter in law who has twins.  They are great now, of course, but whew......"  And then he felt my pulse one more time, almost like he was checking.  EXCUSE ME?  Can an acupuncturist actually tell if someone pregnant with twins just by feeling a pulse?  I couldn't tell if he was referring to the possibility because he knew we had two embryos transferred or if he was making a statement about something he felt. I also don't know if he can accurately access my pulses about pregnancy when I am taking medication (estrogen and progesterone) that fools the body to thinking it is pregnant.

At this point, I am hoping for one healthy baby.  No more miscarriages-no more whammies.

My two "immature eggs" made it to transfer

On Friday we had our "day four" egg transfer.  However, the eggs were really only at day three because the eggs were immature at retrieval and weren't fertilized until a day later.  By transfer day, the doctor said the embryos looked exactly as she would hope.  One was a seven cell embryo and the other was an eight cell embryo.  The third embryo, the one that was originally mature and fertilized on time, didn't make it.  Assisted hatching was completed before the embryos were transferred back.  Now we wait to see if one or both of the little guys are going to decide to stick around.  Please pray for us!

As an aside, just about an hour before our transfer we found out that yet another one of my husband's friends are pregnant again.  I struggled to shake it off before the transfer. I have read so much about emotions and mindset as it relates to the functioning of the body and I didn't want the "no baby" funk to poison my chance at having this round of IVF work. 

My husband and I agreed that we would only do this twice, and yet, as I lay around on bed rest, I can't help but think about whether I would try one more time if this one doesn't work.  I hate the process, but I can't stand to see the sadness in my husband's eyes.  I would take shots every day for the rest of my life if it meant that sadness stayed away.  He is every dream of mine answered in the flesh.  I would do anything for him...and yet, I know he wouldn't want me to do this again because as much as I hate to see him sad, he hates to see me go through this.  We are so lucky to have each other.

IVF Transfer with late maturing eggs

I knew today would be a better day because I didn't get a call from my doctor first thing in the morning.  When she called, she indicated that the two eggs that were immature at egg retrieval have matured, fertilized, and are now four cell embryos, which is good.  She said they were, "growing beautifully."  Well, that's a first.  The third egg has not shown any growth for two days and will likely not continue.  If that egg makes tremendous growth by tomorrow, it will also be implanted.  As of this moment, it looks like tomorrow we will have two embryos to implant...just like last time. 

I would like to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers and would ask that everyone continue praying for us.  Here's to hoping that this time, it works!

What an interesting carton of eggs

First, I had 8 glorious eggs.  Then, only six where mature.  Of the six, only one fertilized and started growing. The next day, the two immature eggs matured.  Now, the immature eggs are the ones that are growing while the original fertilized egg is no longer growing.  The whole thing really is quite comical.

I will find out tomorrow if any of three are still growing, and if they are, we will transfer them back on Friday.

My husband has a saying that I hate-he says, "it is what it is."  I always thought it was a saying that was meant to make a person seem cavalier and casual while hiding a deeper level of angst or disappointment.  However, now I can just say, "it is what it is."  This whole experience has certainly taught me to let go and go with the flow. I have done the research, read the blogs, done the math, and banked on the odds.  None of it fits my experiences.  As it turns out, I am my own experience-unique and different from everyone else's.  I can't say it will end in a baby-but it sure has been interesting.

Results of the Egg Retrieval

Yesterday I had my egg retrieval.  We got 8 eggs.  A significant improvement over the 2 eggs we got during the last egg retrieval.  I am very happy....and very sore.  The doctor said he would be using a saline wash technique to retrieve the eggs. I don't remember that information the last time.  It was a different doctor, so perhaps their preferred methods are different. 

I am surprised at how sore I am.  I am actually writing this at 3:30 in the morning because I was so uncomfortable I couldn't sleep.  This is a significant difference from my last retrieval in which I had minimal pain and recovery.  Of course, there were more follicles this time, so perhaps that is part of the reason for the soreness.  I also researched the saline flush method and found that operating time and pain afterwards was increased...ahhh, that explains it.  There are mixed reviews on whether the flushing method works.  Most studies show that it doesn't increase pregnancy rates. However, there is some indication that in poor responders, like me, more eggs can be found this way.  I am just glad we got the 8 eggs and I will take the soreness-it's really not a big deal.  We will hear from the lab later today to see how many are mature and how many fertilized. I have read all the data and I know the odds.  I also know that last time we defied all odds by having both eggs make it to "good quality" embryos ready for implantation on day three and then resulting in pregnancy.  By all accounts, that never should have happened.  Therefore, I won't get too caught up in data. I would like more eggs so that we can hopefully select the best quality eggs and minimize the chance of yet another miscarriage-but then again, miscarriage is an unknown and there isn't much use wasting time trying to strategize against it. I will instead pray (and I would love anyone else's prayers as well), relax, do yoga, meditate, visualize good things, and hope for the best.  I will update later on the results from the lab.

Update: Well, you know it isn't good when the doctor calls and not the nurse.  Of the 8 eggs retrieved, 6 were mature and two were immature.  They injected the sperm into each of the mature eggs, and only one of the six fertilized.  The two eggs that were immature matured and sperm have now been injected into those. We will have to wait until tomorrow to see if they took.  It looks like a Thursday transfer if any of the eggs make it.  The doctor said the embryologist said that some of the eggs didn't look like they were good quality.  Well, okay then.  That tells me all I need to know.  I can't do anything else to improve egg quality.  I have taken every pill, herb, and supplement.  I have eaten organic, cut out alcohol, done yoga, positive visualization, and omitted most stress.  If they are poor quality, it is simply that my eggs are old-and I can't fix that.  I think the writing is on the wall that I am just too old to have another baby.

Here is my struggle.  I spend so much time in positive visualization that I feel a bit foolish when I get the bad news.  All morning, I have been wondering what would happen if four to six embryos were created-what if four were implanted and they all took.  All morning, I have been thinking about having too many eggs-and too many babies.  Silly me.

Trigger Day for IVF

Yesterday during my monitoring appointment,  I was told that I would likely have to administer my trigger shot last night because four of the follicles were fully mature.  My follicle sizes yesterday were 12, 12.2, 13.8, 18, 20.4, 21.4, 22.9.  I am not sure how much stock to take in these sizes because that seems like a lot of growth in a few of the follicles and it was a different sonogram technician.

I returned from my monitoring appointment to find my new medications had been delivered.  These medications had been ordered less than twenty-four hours before because I was told that I would likely have to be on stimulants for several more days.  Thank goodness my insurance covers most of the cost of those medications.  I was annoyed that I spent $80 on medicine I wouldn't need; however, I am so thankful that I don't have to spend the thousands of dollars some people have to spend. 

I waited all day to hear from the doctor's office yesterday.  When I didn't hear by 4pm, I was sure that I would be triggering that night and I was just waiting for the scheduling nurse to call me.  Sure enough, I got the call around 5pm.  We would told to administer the trigger shot at 4am.  BLECH!

I woke up every fifteen to twenty minutes from 1am until we finally administered the shot at 4am.  I was overly paranoid about sleeping through the trigger time and wasting an entire cycle.  At 3:50am, I finally got up and mixed my medicine, 10,000 units of Novadrel.  The needle of the trigger shot is pretty impressive.  Luckily, it doesn't hurt-but that sucker looks like it could pierce straight through to the other side. Once in college I wanted to nail something on my closet door and used a nail that was too big.  As a result, the sharp point of the nail poked through the inside of the door and caught my hand every time I tried to get something from the closet.  As I looked at the needle, I had the same visual of the point popping out of the front of my stomach. My husband stumbled out of bed, quickly looked over the directions to make sure he didn't miss anything, and asked me to bend over.  In seconds, the needle was in my "hindquarters" (a term that really should be reserved for horses and pigs).  It seemed like it took forever for the medicine to go in.  I felt the needle come out and then I heard, "Oh shit," and felt my husband wiping my backside with the alcohol wipe he had just used to clean the area.  "Whatcha doin' back there," I asked.  He told me that I was bleeding.  We forgot to get the gauze ready before the shot, in case there was bleeding.  Trying to seem calm, I asked him if he had checked to make sure he didn't hit a vein before administering the shot-I don't know why, but this seemed very important to the nurse teaching our injection class.  He assured me he had.  "Alright, well get that alcohol away from the bleeding-that crap burns...and if I die in the middle of the night, be sure to tell them it's because of this stupid shot."   With that, I crawled back in bed and my husband stared at me in disbelief.  "You are going to go back to bed now and I am going to have to sit up and worry about you all night."  What can I say, sleeping has always been a real gift of mine.  I am pretty sure I could win the Olympics if they had a sleeping heat...unless of course, my father was also in the Olympics. In that case, I would have to take the silver medal.

This morning, I am still alive (I didn't really think I wouldn't be-I was more or less just toying with my husband).  Thank goodness today is the playoffs and I get to go to a Ravens Playoff party.  I am planning on eating until they roll me out. I can't eat tomorrow and so I am planning on making up for it today.  I might even pull out my old maternity pants just to make sure that I eliminate all obstacles.
Tonight I have to take the antibiotic that makes me feel like crap.  Tomorrow I won't be able to eat after 9, and only water until 12, and then nothing.   I have to be in the office at 2:30pm for a 4pm egg retrieval.  Here's to hoping it all goes well....if not, at least I will have had a heck of a meal today!

Update on the latest IVF cycle

Morning:
This month's cycle so far has been more successful.  A few days ago, they measured five follicles.  Two days ago, they measured seven follicles with the following sizes: 9.3, 10.4, 10.8, 12 ,12.1,13, 16.1.  My E2 number was good at 1182, over doubling in two days, as it should be.  This morning I went back in for monitoring and some of my follicles have grown.  Two are questionable in growth, but the rest look good, growing the expect 1 to 3mm per day. The numbers are 10.2, 10.6, 13.5, 14.2, 15.7, 17.5, 18.5.  At first, they thought I would trigger on Thursday for a retrieval on Saturday. Then it was pushed back a day.  Yesterday, they thought it would be pushed back to trigger on Sunday with a retrieval on Tuesday.  Today they think I might trigger tomorrow.  In general, any follicle larger than 14mm is supposed to have a mature egg.  In IVF, triggers are usually given once the follicles reach about 18mm.

This whole thing is a big pain in the neck in terms of trying to schedule work around days that keep changing.  However, I am so pleased that the follicles are growing and that we have some more than we did during the last cycle.  Hopefully this will allow us more choice in selecting the viable embryos for implantation.  I go back again tomorrow (third day in a row of sonogram and bloodwork) for more monitoring.

Afternoon:
I just received a call from my nurse.  It looks like I will need a few more days of stimulants.  Yuck.  Also, my estrogen went down today to 1,010.  I don't know what that means.  As I do the ridiculous and stupid search on Google (an action that should really be illegal for all those going through any medical procedure), I am finding that a drop in E2 means that the eggs are likely of poor quality and the IVF cycle will likely be cancelled.  Of course, I found just as many depressing articles during my last IVF cycle when I only had two eggs, and I ended up with a successful cyle.  I know I should stay positive. I know I should stay off Google.  This is the time to use positive visualization and stress reduction techniques.  I am not quite there. Hopefully I will be soon.  For now, I am just sad.  Once again, I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.  I am emotionally tired of this process.  The unknown and ups and downs is wearing on my positivity.

Thank you for my Gift

I used to think that as a parent, it was my job to impart Gifts to my children.  Not the gifts that Santa brings, but the type of Gifts that will live on long after I am gone. I provide them with love and support.  I teach them everything, from walking and talking to how to be a kind and generous person, a responsible citizen, a respected worker, a loving spouse, and a selfless parent.  I viewed the love of parent and child pulsating between two hearts-glowing and magnitizing-but stronger and brighter in one direction.  As a child myself, I have often wondered if my parents have any idea how deeply I love them...yet as a parent, I understand the profound deepness of parental love.  A child's job is simply to love, grow up, and grow away.  A parent's job is to love, to teach, and to stay still.  We are lighthouses atop a rock-a stable beacon of safety and security for our children so that while they may wander, they may always find their way home.

Of course, as parents, we know that it is ridiculous to think our children don't teach us.  Our children teach us every day.  We learn patience and humility, selflessness and humor.  We learn to recapture innocence.  Our children force us to cast off our glasses, smeared and chipped from the smog and hardships of life so we can see life with the same brilliance they see- dazzling and sparkling under the virgin sun...all of it wondrous and new.  It is in these moments that I am overwhelmed by parenthood.  I am weightless in the joy and warmth.

We also know that our children are our beacon of light.  Yesterday I was changing my son's clothes and gave him a kiss on his belly.  He roared with laughter and shouted, "Again!"  I chuckled and repeated....and repeated...and repeated....and repeated.  We were stuck in a moment that will now forever be part of my fabric-his damp baby breath soft on my cheek, his warm hands on my face, and his sweet baby scent swirling and mixing with his laughter as it hung around us.  We were nose to nose, giggling, breathing each other.  In that moment, I was struck that my children are my Gift, straight from God.  These moments are what Heaven feels like, smells like, sounds like.  In that sliver of space between my nose and his-where we connect as one, in the absence of time and the abundance of light-that is where God lives.   In those moments, God shines through my children to show me the way home.

I know that moment wasn't a gift to my son because that moment has already passed through him, indistinguishable from thousands of other moments.  That moment was a gift meant for me-a moment captured with my breath and absorbed by my heart.

So while I give my children the Gifts they will need to grow and live well, they give me the Gift of Heaven on Earth each day. They help me to see as a child sees, as angels see, as God sees.  Every day they walk me closer to Heaven.  While I have been focusing on giving them the Gifts that will sustain them long after I am gone, they have been giving me the gift of Eternity.

A few good eggs

Here is an update of what is happening in my infertility treatments.  We started a new cycle.  This time we used a "Ganirelex antogen" protocol, although I am using Centrotide because I have a latex allergy and can't take Ganirelex.  I secretly stopped taking my birth control pills one day early to give my body an extra day to rest (and hopefully clear out some of the suppressive hormones) before starting my stimulant shots four days later.  I have been taking 300 of Gonal F in the morning and 150 of Gonal F and 150 of Menopur at night.  My first bloodwork on the fourth day came back with an E2 level of 103.  I found something online that said it should be above 100...which is better than it was last time when it was 67.  I didn't get a sonogram that day because the sonogram tech was backed up and I had to get to work for a meeting.  Two days later (yesterday), I went in for more bloodwork and a sonogram.  They were able to see five measurable follicles ranging in size from 10 to 12 mm.  The tech couldn't really see my left ovary (they never can), so she said there may be more on the left that she can't see.  YAY!  This is a significant improvement from the two small, unmeasurable follicles, we saw the last time at this point in the treatment.  My E2 levels were 270.  They are supposed to double every day and a half to two days, so I am above target.  Again, better results than last time when they fell just short of doubling.  Last night I took my first shot of Centrotide and from now on I will just take it in the morning.  I have to mix the solution in the syringe with a powder and put it back in the syringe, but the packaging doesn't provide a Q-cap, which makes it very easy to mix the medicines.  Luckily, I have a ton of extras from the Menopur, so I am using those (as a tip to anyone reading, save your Q-caps just in case you need them for situations like this. Trying to get all the liquid back in the syringe using the big needle they provide is frustrating). The needle is bigger than the other needles, and the medicine itches and burns, but no worse than the other medications. I also increased my dosage of Menopur to 225, which means I mix three vials of powder into one syringe.  I understand this is the maximum that can be mixed together and if it needs to be increased, I will need another shot-so hopefully this amount does the trick.  I will go back two days from the last bloodwork/sonogram appointment, which is tomorrow, to see how things are growing.  As of right now, I am still scheduled for egg retrieval this Saturday.

My reflection:  The first time we went through this process, I was so disappointed to only get two eggs after a maximum dosage of hormones. I felt like my body had gone nine rounds with Mike Tyson. My stomach and my arms were bruised and sore and I was emotionally drained from the hormonal fluctuations.  Every day I wasn't sure if they were going to cancel the cycle and the uncertainty and underlying fear of the process took its toll.  Sure, on the outside, I was calm and I was trying to convince myself I was okay, but I could feel the current underneath shocking me, keeping me on edge.  The doctor was never going to implant more than 3 eggs anyway, and we implanted two, so I don't feel like we lost anything. I also felt like I wasn't wasteful.  It is no secret that I struggle with the faith side of infertility and I may have had more difficulty if I had to leave some embryos in the dish.  Plus, we got pregnant, so it worked...it just didn't stick.

This time, I have the same mentality.  I don't need twenty eggs.  I am old (by baby-making standards).  I am not freezing eggs to use for later. I just need a few good eggs. This is my last round of IVF, so there is no point in getting more eggs than I will use for this cycle (plus even if I did another round, I would use a fresh cycle because at my age, there is a higher success rate with fresh cycles when compared to frozen cycles).  The doctor said this time, if I have enough eggs, she may implant three to four.  Now that scares me.  I would like one more child.  I have mentally been preparing myself for twins and the complications that may come with twins, but more than that is just nuts.  However, we implanted two last time and they weren't genetically strong enough to last, so I understand that more gives us a better chance.  I would like to have enough eggs so that the doctor would consider waiting to do a five day transfer to select the best eggs, but I understand that is unlikely-and again, the three day transfer worked for me...it just didn't hold.  Mentally and physically, I feel much better this time.  Sure, I hate the shots and I get grumpy for a few minutes because it burns and I hate shots in general.  But this time is different.  I have been focusing on my acupuncture, yoga, and walking.  I am trying to stay stress free, eat well (according to chinese medicine and Dr.Oz principles), and focus on finding balance in my life.  I don't feel as hormonally off kilter this time.  I am not crying at television shows or sad commercials.  I don't get to the end of my night feeling drained.  I am viewing the shots as the medicine that is "waking up" my ovaries and helping them to act more youthful so I can have another baby.  I am trying to spend a few minutes every day visualizing light and energy in that area (that one is still a stretch for me, but I am trying).  I think this round is easier right now because we aren't grasping desperately at the results.  Sure, we want this round to work more than anything, and we will be so very sad if it doesn't work and we find ourselves at a finish line that we weren't ready to cross yet...but we also know that we have given it our best shot and if it isn't in the cards for us, then God must have other plans for us and our family.  I will work as hard as I can to make this happen, knowing that in the end, everything else is really beyond my control. With this knowledge, I feel comfortable knowing that if this one doesn't take, it wasn't because I had a sip of caffeine, or worked too late, or didn't want it enough, or didn't try enough, or forgot to eat something green one day, or took a Tylenol...it this one doesn't work, it just simply wasn't meant to be.  And if that happens, I bow my head and say, "Okay God, lead me in the direction you want me to go. You have something planned for me-so let's get on it."

Where are we now?

Well, I have had my initial bloodwork and I have started my shots again.  I already have bruises on my stomach and I seem to be more sensitive to the shots this time around.  However, I feel more positive this time.  I have been walking every day and doing yoga every day.  I have been more consistent with acupuncture, which I believe has really helped me.  My acupuncturist told me to think of medicine as "waking up" my reproductive system.  I love this imagery and I have actually used this image when injecting myself.  I think it is a lot more positive than my previous thinking of "I am shooting myself full of crap that probably won't result in pregnancy but will more likely give me cancer."  I have been trying to do positive imagery every day, but I find it difficult.  I am intrigued by chinese medicine, acupuncture, visualization, and nutrition.  I wish I was better at visualization, but when I try to send light into my ovaries, I just see black.  Every day I try, and just like doing yoga-one day I will get it...it will all just click in.

Frustrated by Careless Oversight

Yesterday I was sitting at dinner with my in-laws when I got a call from Freedom Fertility Pharmacy.  The very chipper girl talked in such a high sing-songy voice that I had to ask her three times to repeat herself. Finally, I understood that my medications for my new treatment would not be shipped today, as planned, because Ganirelex cannot be used by people with a latex allergy.  I am a little miffed pissed.  I thought I was supposed to be getting top of the line treatment by one of the best fertility specialists.  Yet, when I told the doctor that I don't manage birth control pills well, I was given the "option" to not take them, with the very thick undercurrent of "but if it doesn't work out, it is definitely your fault, you ridiculously silly woman who thinks she has all the knowledge of a doctor because she can work the Internet."  I agreed to take birth control pills to start the next treatment, and we changed our plan to use the maximum amount of stimulants (Gonal-F and Menopur) before starting Ganirelex to prevent ovulation.  It says in my chart, in very big stamped red letters, LATEX ALLERGY.  So how is it that I was prescribed a treatment plan that includes a medication that can't be used on patients with a latex allergy?  I feel like chattel being pushed and prodded along with all the other infertile women. When I stop and protest, I get a swift shock to remind me that I am not a woman trying to have a baby, but merely one of a million cows being corralled through the master slaughter house of fertility specialists.  I feel like the more "treatment" I get, the further I get from my natural fertility.  I was apathetic about starting this new IVF treatment cycle, and now I am feeling ready to quit it all. I am ready to move on with my life without ever becoming a mother of four.  I am ready to stop-but then I look at my husband and I go on.  I know how much he wants this and I have never been a quitter, and so I won't quit now.  Being a fighter has had it's benefits in life, but now I feel like I am just banging my head against a brick wall.  I am frustrated.  I am angry.

Throwing Away New Year's Resolutions

This time of year is my favorite time of year.  Not only is Christmas my favorite holiday, but because I work in the school system, I get a vacation between Christmas and New Year’s Day.  During this week every year, I play with my children, nap, cook, read, and engage in my guiltiest pleasure-morning news television.  The morning news programs tell me why my winter coat is no longer in style, what those crazy  Kardashian sisters are up to now, which movies I must see, and how to turn leftover Christmas dinner into quiche.  However, there is also a darker side to watching morning news television during this week.  This is the week in which the segments are filled with tips regarding New Year’s resolutions.  Each day I learn how to do more with my money, get fit, and eat healthier.  I watch segments on how to be a better parent, a more dedicated employee, and a more responsible citizen.

 What is wrong with all these tips?  Well, in short, they make us feel lousy about ourselves.  Even the term “resolutions” makes me cringe.  Just the act of making a resolution sends a message that we are broken and must be fixed. When we feel incomplete, it changes who we are, how we look at the world, and how we interact with others.  We exhaust ourselves trying to hide our flaws, appear perfect to the outside world, and find the cure for our hideous imperfections.   Every year, most Americans make a resolution, and every year by February, most Americans have already broken those resolutions.  We feel terrible for being such weak and horrible individuals and we spend the rest of the year silently whipping ourselves for our weaknesses, only to begin the crazy cycle again next year.  Why do we do this to ourselves?

I am calling for the end of New Year’s Resolutions and the beginning of New Year’s Celebrations.  We should celebrate that which is beautiful, special, unique, and ordinary about ourselves.  Instead of looking ahead or lamenting the past, we should be still in the moment.  Sit quietly.  Take in all that surrounds us, all that is within us. We should embrace ourselves, our scars, our soft bellies, and our crinkled eyes- for those scars are trophies of that which have made us strong, our soft bellies reflect time we spent lingering over meals with our friends and family, and every line etched around our eyes tells our story of joy or sorrow.  Instead of resolving to change, we should resolve to first love ourselves as whole individuals, perfect and unique, ordinary and rare.  Wrapped up in all our quirks and “imperfections,” we are whole, we are worthy, we are special.   So I raise a glass and toast to you, for all that you are is all that you need to be in this moment.  Happy New Year!

Zero isn't nothing

On Friday I received the call that my hcg level had returned to "negative." I was blissfully pregnant for one week. I was told to stop all medications and wait for my period to come. The doctor is supposed to call me this week with a new plan of action. 

Here is the interesting thing.  I don't care about the new plan of action.  Not in the apathetic, "I give up" kind of way of not caring, but more of an honest detachment from the emotion.  Perhaps it is because I have had so many consecutive losses I am no longer attached to the results, or perhaps it is because with every loss I feel closer to understanding that I have another purpose that might not include more children.  Or maybe it is because I haven't had time to be sad because it is Christmastime and I have other children.  My job is to make their Christmas wonderful and special-I can be sad some other time.

I am not sure if I will try again.  I will probably will.  Right now, I am focusing on my family and the holidays.  I am happy and blessed to have such a wonderful family.  I am satisfied with my life.  I am sad that once again, I am not pregnant, but I don't feel a hole in my life.  We would love to add more children to our family, but we are whole and complete just as we are.  For that reason,  I feel like it would be self-indulgent to collapse into sadness.

This week, I will count my blessings.  I will appreciate my children and glow in the light cast off from their brilliant exuberance.  I will nestle in the crook of my husband's arm and lay my head on his shoulder, drunk on the warmth and giggles and joy. I will pray and think deeply on what to do next. But for today, I will appreciate today.

Wordle of My Blog

Here is a wordle I created by entering my blog URL.  I love wordles because it shows patterns in language, and I believe language is so important. Language not only reflects our thoughts and state of mind, but shapes it as well.  Want to change your outlook on life? Pay very close attention to the words you choose and choose more positive, less extreme words and phrases.  I have often noticed that people who speak in extremes often see the world as black and white.  This may not be bad if you are in the white, but what happens when you fall into the black? If you want to challenge yourself, take recent emails to friends, facebook pages, or journal writings and enter into a wordle program and see what you come up with.  What do your word choices look like?  How are your words impacting your outlook on life? How is it impacting your ability to move forward and make the most of life?

Recently my struggles with IVF, infertility and miscarriage have dominated my blog and the language reflects those topics.  I sat for a minute and thought carefully on my wordle.  There are a lot of emotions in my writing of hope, sadness and possibility.  I do a lot of thinking, writing, and feeling.  There weren't any words like "give up", "dejected", "hopeless."  While this period in my life is most certainly marked with sadness, frustration, and medical treatments, I continue to have words of positivity, family, and goodness.  This gives me perspective and helps me see that I am able to be more than this fight for a fourth child.  I am full of life, full of heart, full of family, full of possibility.  I am. (and that is all I need to be).

Exhale through the Limbo

14.  That was my HCG number yesterday.  14.  I am now two weeks past my 3 day transfer and they expect the numbers to be over 100 and my was 14.  Of course, I found out minutes before a meeting and has to sit through a meeting sniffling and wiping tears away.  Luckily, it is also cold season, so someone thought I just had a terrible cold.  The others were not fooled.    My heart broke, my spirits sank.  I was so close, yet again.  I can't begin to explain the despair and sadness over being told that once again, I was going to lose pregnancy.

I went to my acupuncturist in a frenetic mess.  He helped to calm me down and said I was, in fact, pregnant.  While he couldn't tell whether the pregnancy would last, for the minute I was pregnant and I should continue to be calm and peaceful and wait and see what happens.  His perspective was that nature will take care of itself and we don't know what those outcomes will be, but maybe the numbers are wrong-maybe the baby is a slow starter-maybe a lot of things. Stress would only harm the baby's chance of surviving, so I should be calm.  By the time I left, I was still feeling so sad, but more calm. 

Today, I am trying to be positive and calm.  I am trying, but the tears just keep flowing.  It feels like pretending for the next two days only puts of the inevitable.  However, what is the harm in thinking positively, doing yoga, and staying peaceful?  If it doesn't work out, at least I won't have whipped myself into a frenzy and if it does work out, maybe the positivity worked.

So for right now, I am once again in limbo.  Once again waiting, praying, and hoping for positive results.  I need to make a change.  Since beginning this process of having another child two years ago, too much of my life has been spent waiting, holding my breath, looking forward to dates in the future. Too much time has been spent in sadness over loss and even more time mourning something that never was.  In the meantime, the seconds, minutes, and days are passing me by.  I am losing time in sadness-losing time in waiting-losing time in daydreaming about something that may never be.  I have a beautiful family and I am blessed.  There is never a time when I am not thankful for my children or the life I lead-and yet my life feels like that second when you hold your breath and tense your body, bracing for the great surprise or protection from another blow.  I have put travel, career, and other things on hold while I hold my breath and brace myself.  It is exhausting and pointless.  I need to exhale.  I need to breathe through the moment.  I need to breathe through the day. But for now, I am still sad with a touch of residual hope.

Reflections

This morning, I am terribly sick to my stomach.  I have cramps.  I am sure that I am getting my period.  I am sure the blood test will come back negative today and I will have lost another pregnancy.  I am desperately trying to stay positive and hopeful, but the fear sits in the corners of my brain like eternal dust that kicks up with any movement.  I am trying to be still.  I am trying to breathe. 

My husband sent me this email this morning:
Fear less, hope more,

eat less, chew more,

whine less, breathe more,

talk less, say more,

hate less, love more...

and all good things will be yours.

- Swedish Proverb

He is a wise man who knows just what I need.  I will think and pray on this today.

And, in an effort to clean out the darkness and focus on the light, I have made a list of good things that have come from this process so far:

• Even when IVF only produces two eggs, a pregnancy can occur.
• Even when the eggs look, "less than ideal", they can turn it around and receive the highest grading by the time of transfer.
• Three embryo transfers produce pregnancies.
• There is hope that 6 and 7 cell embryos produce pregnancies.
• There is evidence that IVF works for me.  Hopefully this one sticks, and if not, there is no evidence suggesting another try won't work.
• When I first found out I was pregnant right after the birth of my son, I was terrified at being a mother of four children. I was surprised and delighted.  While we weren't not trying, we weren't purposeful. It was a great excuse to shrug off the decision to have four children. When I lost the pregnancy,  I knew I wanted another one.  This process has revealed to me just how much I am willing to do for my fourth child and just how deep this desire runs.  It isn't something that happened by chance or a light wish to be brushed off.  This desire runs deep through my soul.  Now I stand strong with purpose in my decision to have four children.  It isn't something to slink away from or shrug off when people look at me with that confused look and say, "Four?  REALLY?"  Now, I can unequivocally say, "Yes! I worked damned hard to get the family of my dreams!" (those who know me know that this goes much deeper than just a fourth child)
• Challenge brings my husband and I closer together.  I am so thankful to have such a wonderful partner and friend.
• I am stronger in myself.  Others may have opinions about whether I should do IVF, whether I should try so hard, whether I should do a home pregnancy test before the blood test.  I am stronger in my mind and my decisions.  Others haven't walked the path I have walked or seen the challenges I have seen through my eyes.  It isn't that each person's path doesn't have challenge, but each life path is unique and the perspective is unique to the traveler who walks down that path.  Therefore, the opinion of onlookers is only as valid as their ability to see into my soul and my heart and understand my decisions.  Those that can't are no less valid, but their opinions are just air-shallow words with no depth, no compassion.  Their words don't cause me pause or make my heart flutter with insecurity.
• I am deeper in my faith.  I don't know if I am always making the right decisions, but I know God is always in my heart, helping me through each day and supporting me and guiding me in every decision.

  

The panic before the blood test

I should be so excited to have my blood test tomorrow.  I am not.  I am having anxiety and panic about it to the extent where my heart feels like it it beating out of my chest and I might throw up.  Wait, could that be a sign that my pregnancy is still viable?  Or is it my anxiety?  I am crampy-that is a sign of miscarriage...and a sign of pregnancy.  Did I take my suppository at lunch time?  I can't remember.  Is that a sign of my anxiety or a sign of pregnancy brain?  I feel nauseous...wait, no I don't....oops, yes I do, there is that wave of nausea again...wait, where did it go?  Did I imagine it?  Are my boobs bigger?  They feel bigger-well, maybe not.  They don't hurt.  They tingled a few days ago, but nothing now.  Does that mean miscarriage is around the corner?  My own brain is driving me to insanity.

I took home pregnancy tests on Friday through Tuesday, all are pregnant...but the lines don't seem to be getting any darker.  Today, I took a test and it seemed lighter.  Of course, I took it after having a huge bottle of water and only holding my urine for about 2 hours in the middle of the day, but still, it was lighter.  Could this be a sign of the end?

I want to be pregnant.  I want to use "The Secret" but my anxiety and panic are taking over.  I am pretty sure I won't sleep tonight.  I am pretty sure I will be nauseous all day tomorrow and the minutes will drag by until they call me.  This wouldn't be the first time I have had many positive pregnancy tests only to get a call that the blood test is  negative a week later.  Maybe that is why this time I am so fanatical about repeated testing (it isn't helping to ease my anxiety, so I should just stop-but when I don't, I panic and test).

I know my anxiety isn't good for a pregnancy.  I am so excited to get so far-and terrified to be happy about it.

PREGNANT!

Well, after a week of torture of NOT testing, I broke down on Friday, which would be 9 days past my 3 day transfer.  I took a First Response Early Pregnancy test (the one that says '6 days sooner') in the middle of the night and it looked negative.  I went back to bed and cried myself to sleep.  The next morning, the test registered a very faint positive line.  I wasn't sure if it was an evaporation line so I took one Saturday afternoon and the faint positive line came up within five minutes, but it was still very faint and I again questioned whether it was an evaporation line.  Sunday morning and Monday morning, I repeated the process and each day the results came up sooner, but the line remained very faint.  Out of desperation, I had my husband pee on a stick from the same box of tests I had used to see if I got an evaporation line with his urine.  As it turns out, my husband is not pregnant and there was no evaporation line. 

Today I was feeling a little nutty about the whole thing and after reading some message boards where other ladies had suggested using a digital brand of HPT to test to eliminate the possibility of an evaporation line, I purchased an EPT digital test (the one that says you can test 5 days sooner).  I took the test in the middle of the day on what is now my 12th day past my 3 day transfer (or 15 days past retrieval or 15 days past "ovulation"). Well, it takes FOREVER for the little hourglass symbol to disappear and the results to show up, but this was the best looking pregnancy test I have ever seen! 

I have tried all week to be "very flaky" as my acupuncturist suggested. I took 2 days of strict bedrest, one day of almost complete bedrest, and then I took it very easy for the rest of the week.  I laid on the coach, read books, wrapped Christmas presents, and bypassed cleaning and all things stressful.  Several times each day I focused on my breathing, did positive visualization, and even a little yoga.  I have been exhausted every day and I have gone to bed at about 8pm each night and taken naps during the day. I have been extremely careful about my diet and stress level.  Today, I am so thankful that I did all of those things-and I am so thankful for those two little embryos that could.  I know I have a long road ahead.  I have lost pregnancies at 5 and 9 weeks and so I continue to have some anxiety.  My first Beta blood pregnancy test is Wednesday (14 days past 3 day transfer), and I a hoping for continued good news.  For today,  I will celebrate that we have made it this far.

The little eggs that could

Day one: We got the call that even though we only retrieved two eggs, both eggs fertilized. 
Day two: We got a call from the nurse in the morning saying that both eggs were "cleaving" nicely and we had one two cell embryo and one 3 cell embryo, and the expectation was to have between 2 and 4 cells.  I was on cloud nine.  Later, the doctor called and said that in the best case, she would like to see a four cell embryo with less than 10% fragmentation.  We had one embryo that was 3 cells with less than 5% fragmentation and a  2 cell embryo with less than 15% fragmentation.  She was hesitant about how the embryos would progress and said that she thought I would have "one fair and one poor" embryo to transfer on day three.
Day three:  The doctor performing the transfer let us know that embryos are graded as good, fair, and poor and we had two "good" embryos to implant.  One embryo was 6 cells and the other was 7 cells.

I wanted to jump up and down and do a dance, but my bladder was so full in preparation for the transfer that I had to dance in spirit only.  Today, two embryos were transferred.  I never thought we would make it to this point.  I know that there is still over a 60% chance that this doesn't work, but I feel like I just won the Superbowl.  This is the closest we have been to a successful pregnancy in a long time. 

I visited my acupuncturist yesterday and determined that I need to go see him more often, and I need to adopt his mindful flow.  He suggested that I visualize being pregnant and I act pregnant.  He said to "be a flake" for the next two weeks and don't do anything that stresses me out, take some days off work, and otherwise let everything go.  He reminded me to breathe, rest, walk in nature, and eat well.  I have been afraid to be excited or hopeful, I didn't want to visualize because it seems so painful to have hope and then have hope squashed.  He reminded me that the pain is there no matter what and I have to live with intention while simultaneously surrendering to God.  He told me not to run from the emotion, but to breathe into it and ride it through, acknowledging it without becoming attached to it.  I am so glad I went to see him the day before my transfer.  It was just the hope, refocusing, and calming influence I needed.

Now I am on strict bed rest for twenty-four hours and then modified bed rest for another 24 hours and only light activity for several days after that.  As I lay on the couch now, writing this blog, I am excited to rest, excited to read, excited to dream and hope that these two little embryos develop into healthy babies.

We cleared the first hurdle

I just got a call from my nurse at the fertility clinic.  Even though I only got two measly eggs from my IVF egg retrieval yesterday, both of those eggs were mature and both fertilized!  I understand that studies indicate that close to 50% of fertilized embryos do not make it to pregnancy.  I understand that even if those two little fertilized eggs make it to transfer day, they still may not implant.  I understand that even if they do implant, they may not turn into healthy babies.  I have had two miscarriages, I am aware that I will likely not breathe until I see a healthy strong heartbeat after 12 weeks...but for today, I am going to tuck that all away.  Today, I am going to gloat.  Today, I have two little eggs...correction, today I have two little embryos.

It takes two to make a thing go right

Two years of trying.  Two miscarriages.  Two failed IUIs.  Two months of an IVF procedure.  Two weeks of shots. And today, Two Eggs.  After all that, two eggs.  My first IUI on Clomid, I had two eggs.  My second IUI, I had three to four eggs.  Today, after the maximum dosage of fertility medications for almost two weeks, I had two eggs retrieved.  Tomorrow I will learn if they fertilized.  I would like to write about how I feel, but frankly, I am too tired, too dejected, too disappointed, too sore, too hollow, and too everything else to write it down.  Let's just hope that Rob Base was right~

No More Shots!

Whew...I have finally made it.  No more shots (for now).  I got three phone calls yesterday from the fertility center making sure I understood all my directions for the HCG trigger shot.  While most people don't have to continue their medication, I was told that I needed to give myself one last shot of the Menopur and Gonal-F.  Now, here comes for the funny part of all of this.  My entire family attended a football game yesterday, myself included.  I had to take my last shots of stimulants at 6:30pm and my trigger shot at 8pm. 

We arrived to the stadium at 6:30pm.  Everyone hopped out of the car and I scurried around to the other side so no one could see me, unzipped my pants, looked around in that shady, nervous, drug addict type of way, and quickly gave myself my last two shots.  Once we got in the stadium, my husband and I missed the action of the first quarter because we were whispering back and forth about where we could do the trigger shot at 8pm.  It is the only shot I needed him to help me with, and we just so happened to be in a place with absolutely no privacy and a strict no re-entry policy, so we couldn't even take a trip back to the car. 

Starting at 7:30, my husband asked police officers and other staff if there was any place we could have some privacy to administer the shot.  He stood in line at the concession stand and when the guy asked what my husband wanted, I saw my husband lean in and whisper to him...and then the man looked horrified and ran away to get a female worker.  She walked over to my husband, who again leaned in an explained the situation.  She gave the same look and walked away to check with someone else.  The concession stand was swarming with people and those working the stand were flying around as fast as possible trying to serve people, and we were holding up the line.  I was sure we were going to cause a riot.  The woman very nicely offered to escort us to the woman's bathroom where we could use the handicapped stall.  On the way in, a police officer confronted my husband, thinking he was a pervert trying to peek in the ladies room. 

We rushed into the stall and immediately began fumbling with the materials.  First we had to mix the shot.  It wasn't so easy with no clean surfaces.  We balanced on each other and tried to move as quickly as possible, but this was our first experience with this shot, and we wanted to get it right. Because the needle was so long, it took several tries to extract the liquid from the vial without getting mostly air.  We were whispering to each other and scurrying about while women chattered on about lipstick and shouted about nothing important in the neighboring stalls; I couldn't help but feel like I had stumbled into the underbelly of some nightclub.  Once the shot was ready, I had to disrobe enough for my husband to administer the shot, which was quite a feat given that I had on a dozen layers of clothing to keep warm, and again-no clean surfaces to put the discarded clothes.  I clenched my jacket between my knees and fumbled with  my pants, Under Armour tights, and underwear trying to expose the upper part of my backside.

My husband never gave me a signal that he was ready to give the shot, he just plunged in.  At first I flinched because I wasn't expecting it, but there was no pain and no burning.  In just seconds, it was over.  This isn't the usual way pregnancies are started in public bathroom stalls, but it felt momentous all the same.  I wanted to have a toast, a long kiss, something to mark the occasion, but we had no time to waste celebrating because the poor woman was still sitting outside of the stall, waiting to escort us out of the bathroom.  I zipped up quickly, panties twisted and bunched under my tights and made a quick escape. My poor husband had to endure the stares of horrified women as we left the stall.  Seconds later, we were back on the sidelines watching the game as if nothing had happened.  All in all, it was a fairly easy shot-no pain, no burning.  I just hope we did it right. 

Tomorrow we have to be at the fertility center at 6:30am for our 8:00am egg retrieval.  Today I celebrated with sushi.  I hope it is the last sushi I will have for many, many months.

Black Friday, Green Light

On Thursday (Thanksgiving Day) my follicles were 16mm, 16mm, and 10mm.  My E2 number was 425.  According to some research, E2 numbers should be at 150-200 per follicle in order to indicate a mature egg.  I was told to continue medications as usual and return at 8am on Friday morning for further monitoring.  Every day I hold my breath and hope my cycle doesn't get cancelled.

This morning, Black Friday, I got my good news.  In just 24 hours, my two larger follicles grew from 16mm to 20mm. Typical growth is from 1 to 3mm per day, so my eggs must be over-achievers (that or they just feel bad for my pin cushion stomach and decided to save me a few more days of injections).  The technician didn't even measure the other smaller follicle.  I was told to wait for the nurse, who would be providing me with information on administering my HCG trigger shot this evening.  As of now, I will go in for my egg retrieval Sunday morning.  My follicle numbers seem very low and I am happy that I will be allowed to continue with the cycle.  I am concerned that I have had some fluid in my uterus which may impact implantation (if any eggs reach that point).  I have been told not to worry.  These lovely ladies at Shady Grove Fertility Center obviously don't know me. 

Right now is the calm before the storm.  I am not worried about the trigger shot or the retrieval.  I am bummed I will miss my nephew's birthday party, but we have waited so long for this moment, I would miss anything to have this opportunity.  I don't feel anxious or sad or nervous.  At this point, I can't do anything else except wait and hope for good results.  It is so relieving to finally be at this point.  It feels good to breathe.  It feels good to relax. I might even take a nap.

More disappointing news

injection bruising

Today I went in for my IVF monitoring appointment after being on eight days of stimulation medication, 10 days of shots.  Today, they only saw three measurable follicles at 8mm, 12mm, and 13 mm, which is down from four follicles seen just two days ago.  The call from my nurse indicated that cancelling the cycle is possible because of such a poor response.  I have to go back on Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, for more monitoring.  If the smaller follicle hasn't caught up by then, or if other follicles don't show up, it is likely that my cycle will be cancelled.  I asked about increasing medication to make the other follicles pop and I was told that I am on the maximum dosage of IVF medications and the meds can't be increased any more.  The nurse is very surprised at my poor response because my antral follicle count (the amount of little "possible" eggs measured before starting IVF) has always been decent and I should have had better follicle growth.   The nurse believes the treatment may have "over-suppressed" my ovaries.  I hate it say it, but I am not surprised.  I warned the nurse and the doctor before I started birth control pills that I don't respond well to birth control.  I not only have terrible side effects, but it seems to take months for them to get out of my system once stopped.  I am exhausted.  I am tired of being sad, tired of disappointment, tired of crying, tired of not sleeping, tired of shots, tired of bruising from blood draws and shots, and just plain tired. Every morning I wake up and try to focus on the positive and with every monitoring appointment, I am hopeful that things have turned around.  The fall from possibility to reality hurts more every day.  I am bruised and sore and aching-in my heart, in my body, and in my mind.

And the hits just keep comin'

So I went for my first monitoring appointment on Friday.  I was hoping that after several days of multiple shots, I would see eight to ten follicles, as suggested by my doctor. That number is lower than they would like, but still enough to have IVF.  I had four.  I was so dissapointed that it took all of my energy to hold back tears until I got to the car, at which point I let go and cried all the way to work.  Four.  Four is borderline for cancelling a cycle or switching to IUI, which I already know doesn't work for me.  I got it together for work, but continued to stand on the line between "together" and "sobbing uncontrollably" all day.  I wanted to go home and crawl into bed, and might have taken that option if I didn't have to make a presentation to fifty people, including several of the big guns, at the end of the day.  I called my nurse and left a message telling her how upset I was.  While we didn't connect in person, her voicemail back to me was very reassuring.  She said that the birth control pills may still be suppressing my ovaries and they fully expect to see more follicles pop by my follow-up appointment on Sunday.  She also said that my estrogen was low (64) and they were increasing my dosage, which seems impossible given how much medication I am already taking.  So, I increased meds and crossed my fingers for better results on Sunday. She also said, "we don't want to see one follicle get bigger than the rest, so it's good that they are all developing together."

Today is Sunday and this morning I went in for my second monitoring appointment.  First, there was still only four follicles and second, one is measurable and the rest aren't-so it seems that one is growing faster than the others.  Needless to say, I cried all the way home. With every appointment, I get more discouraged. I  am so mad at my body and so frustrated that it isn't working.  I am frustrated that my stomach is covered in tiny bruises and pin pricks, I have constant headaches, my face is breaking out, and I feel bloated and gross all the time, and yet, I only have four follicles. I am also really struggling with coming to terms that my fertile days are behind me and I am not entering the "grandma" phase of life.  I am only 38, way too young for menopause, and yet, my body is sending me the message that it is right around the corner.  I have never minded aging.  I got gray hair at a young age, I have some wrinkles, and my body doesn't look like a 24 year old's body.  I have always been okay with gentle aging.  This feels different.  This feels like a club to the head.  I am so sad.  Now is the waiting game.  The nurse should call later with the results and future plans.  I don't know what to expect, so I will just wait and see.

Sunday night: I went outside for two seconds, and of course, missed the phone call from the doctor's office.  The message said my estrogen level was 134 and I should continue the meds and have another monitoring appointment in two days.  I can't help but think that this number seems incredibly low.  I guess I will wait and see.

Lessons learned: I am not a fan of this process.                          

I woke up this morning and felt pretty good about myself.  I got dressed and looked at myself in the mirror and thought I looked great. I felt less bloated than I have in a long time and my face seemed to have returned after it's brief debut in the Macy's parade. My backside even seemed smaller. I strutted through the day feeling full of myself.  I had a brief period of panic when I wondered if I was administering the medication correctly because I wasn't feeling full and bloated.  Other than some headaches, a few hot flashes, and injection soreness and bruising, I have been feeling pretty good.  I spent about two minutes worrying about whether I had any eggs and if they were growing, and then I moved on because I had things to do.  Thank goodness for work. Without it, I would spend too much time surfing the Internet and obsessing about this whole process.

At the end of the day, a work colleague asked me if I was pregnant because I looked fat in my face and round around the middle. The smile on my big fat float face instantly deflated. I don't know what hurt more-being called fat or being called pregnant and wanting it to be true so badly.  I should have skipped dinner and worked out.  Instead, I went home and made gluten free pizza and stuffed my face.  I then did three loads of laundry, picked up the house, checked the kids homework, and put everyone to bed before sinking into the sofa in a big, round, squishy ball of self-loathing for about three minutes before it was time to return to the other things on my "To Do" list.  I could be mad at my colleague, but I'm not because she's right. By the end of the day, my stomach had puffed up and I felt bloated and sore.

Bottom line is that I have a love/hate relationship being fat and squishy, bloated and sore.  It means the medications are working, and I love that.  I also hate looking like a moose all the time. I have cleaned up my diet and added walking a few times a week to my schedule, so I know the added fullness is related to the medication and so I refuse to be too mean to myself, at least for the time being.

Lessons learned so far: I am more capable than I thought when it comes to giving myself shots.  I am getting quick and fluent with the mixing and administering of all the medications. I even administered the shots in the public bathroom at my daughter's lacrosse game last night  .I am surprising myself.   I am also being much nicer to myself than I ever have been before.  For the first time, I am trying to give myself a break.  I am trying to embrace all that I am, including my "flaws" of not being physically perfect. I am resting when I am tired, crying when I feel sad, and not beating myself up later for being weak or less than perfect.  IVF stinks, but it has it's benefits.  Whether or not we ever have a baby, maybe I will learn to like myself more, flaws and all.

And We're Off...

I have successfully completed two days of Lupron shots, 20 microunits in the morning and evening...yay me!  I am not thrilled about needles, and really not thrilled about having to poke myself, but I did it.  The first shot was not so bad.  I made my husband look over my shoulder to make sure I was doing it correctly, but in just a few seconds, I had given myself my first shot, and it didn't even hurt.  The sensation of the needle breaking the skin is odd, but there was no pain.  After the shot, I had an itching and burning sensation at the spot for a little bit, but it was not a big deal.  The interesting part was that thirty minutes after the shot, I started to have some menstrual bleeding.  It subsided throughout the day and then shortly after my second shot, the same thing happened.  I also had some intestinal issues the first day.  I am not sure if it was from the shot or because I chose to reward my efforts with some comfort food that maybe didn't quite agree with me.



Evening Injections

The second day of the shots, I  felt like an old pro.  The morning shot hurt more; I think the needle may have been a tad bit dull.  I experienced the same burning and itching sensation, but no other side effects.  I am still bleeding, but I am starting to think this is nature and not a side effect of the shot.  By the evening shot, I was such an old pro that I was able to rush upstairs to my bathroom and give myself a shot while dinner guests were getting ready to be seated in my dining room below.  About half way through dinner, I started to get a headache.  By the end of the night, my head was splitting, with a lot of pain around my eyes.  It could have be a side effect of the medicine, but it is more likely that I was winding myself up about having to give myself FIVE shots the next day.  While I was feeling confident about two, five felt closer to a thousand than to zero.  The headache continued all night and the next morning.  I also am on the verge of tears all the time, but again, I am not sure if it my body's response to stress, or a side effect of the hormones.  Even as I am writing this, I can feel the tears brimming just under the surface.  Fighting off the emotions makes me tired, which of course, leads to tears.  It's a vicious cycle.

This morning, I added 225m of Gonal-F to my regimen.  The needles seem to be hurting more with every treatment.  I am not sure if my brain is catching on, or if my skin is just getting more sensitive.  I am now a pro at the Lupron shot.  I tried to put the needle in one area and it hurt, but a slight movement of the needle to a new spot and all went well.  The Gonal-F is a pen.  I hate the pen.  It seems easier in theory, but pushing in the plunger is much more difficult with the pen, causing the needle to wiggle under the skin which leads to some minor discomfort.  The plunger clicks at set intervals of medicine to indicate how much is being injected.  The clicks are unnerving and makes me feel like the injection is a much bigger deal than it is.  Once the injection is finished, the needle must remain for a few seconds to make sure all the medicine gets under the skin. I hate this too.  I would really love to get the needle out as quickly as possible.  The needle is very thin and tiny and so it doesn't hurt, but the wiggling and waiting isn't great.  It's the same burning during injection, but less itching.  I still have a terrible headache and my eyes hurt to move around in my head, but again, it is likely that I have stressed myself into a migraine and the headache really has nothing to do with the medicine.

Tonight I will add Menopur to the Lupron and Gonal-F shots.  This is the shot I am most dreading.  There is lots of mixing and I am nervous to do it wrong. 

Here is what I know so far-I can give myself shots.  The needles are tiny and barely hurt, or only hurt a little.  Even though they are tiny, they are hurting more every day, so I need to get my head in the game. Anyone can do anything for a short amount of time, and I have managed must worse.  Finally, I would hate to be diabetic and have to do this all the time, so I think I will actually try to add more vegetables to my diet and walk more...for real this time.

Phase One Complete

I was in the middle of a blogging rant about my excitement about being finished with birth control pills when my computer shut down for no good reason. My immediate response was to throw the computer across the room and fall into a puddle of tears on the floor.  Right now, everything seems difficult.  Of course, it could be the perfect storm of a very busy and stressful time at work, the introduction of the holiday season, lack of sleep, hormone fluctuations, a little family chaos, and a few other things sprinkled in....or it could be that I am a total nut case on birth control pills.  I vote for option two.  I am frustrated that I am a bloated, overly emotional woman with no libido. I hate looking at my fat face and puffy tummy every morning.  I am frustrated that I know this is hormone related and I can't control it-it is just one more thing about my body that I can't control.

 But today, I took my last birth control pill.  Words cannot express how thankful I am that this phase of IVF is finished.  Of course, this isn't the worst phase.  I know there are more hormones to come in massive doses.  I have been stressed out all week about giving myself shots.  I am not thrilled about the needles, but the needles aren't what scare me.  I am terrified to mix the medicines wrong or forget to get rid of air bubble and somehow kill myself or zap my ovaries forever.  I am terrified to go through all of this to have the cycle be stopped because I don't get enough eggs, or because they are poor quality.  I am afraid of it working, afraid of it not working.  Every time I have foolishly convinced myself that I don't want another baby, I have to spend time with a pregnant woman or a newborn, which leads to me crying silently into my pillow.  It is pathetic and weak, and I hate that about myself.  Mostly, I hate that my hard work and perseverance isn't resulting in a win for me.