Okay, so I am now in the two week wait. I had my IVF egg transfer last friday. It is now Tuesday. I was on bedrest Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Monday I went back to work and started walking again, but tried to take it easy otherwise. I have been drinking gallons of water and eating all the foods women are supposed to eat in early pregnancy and to encourage implantation-pineapple, walnuts, seasame seeds, pumpkin seeds, eggs, milk, dark leafy greens, lots of fruit....you get the drift. I have focused on breathing and stretching, visualization, and keeping my midsection warm.
Today had an acupuncturist appointment. He said my pulses felt "perky". My pulses were calm and "great." He spent a lot more time feeling my pulses today, switching from side to side. Asking things like, "When is your appointment? Early next week? No? Late next week? Hmmmm....." He said something seems to be cooking that is different than usual and we will have to see how it all turns out. Then, in a whispered voice, he said something I couldn't hear and then, "...reminds me of my daughter in law who has twins. They are great now, of course, but whew......" And then he felt my pulse one more time, almost like he was checking. EXCUSE ME? Can an acupuncturist actually tell if someone pregnant with twins just by feeling a pulse? I couldn't tell if he was referring to the possibility because he knew we had two embryos transferred or if he was making a statement about something he felt. I also don't know if he can accurately access my pulses about pregnancy when I am taking medication (estrogen and progesterone) that fools the body to thinking it is pregnant.
At this point, I am hoping for one healthy baby. No more miscarriages-no more whammies.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
My two "immature eggs" made it to transfer
On Friday we had our "day four" egg transfer. However, the eggs were really only at day three because the eggs were immature at retrieval and weren't fertilized until a day later. By transfer day, the doctor said the embryos looked exactly as she would hope. One was a seven cell embryo and the other was an eight cell embryo. The third embryo, the one that was originally mature and fertilized on time, didn't make it. Assisted hatching was completed before the embryos were transferred back. Now we wait to see if one or both of the little guys are going to decide to stick around. Please pray for us!
As an aside, just about an hour before our transfer we found out that yet another one of my husband's friends are pregnant again. I struggled to shake it off before the transfer. I have read so much about emotions and mindset as it relates to the functioning of the body and I didn't want the "no baby" funk to poison my chance at having this round of IVF work.
My husband and I agreed that we would only do this twice, and yet, as I lay around on bed rest, I can't help but think about whether I would try one more time if this one doesn't work. I hate the process, but I can't stand to see the sadness in my husband's eyes. I would take shots every day for the rest of my life if it meant that sadness stayed away. He is every dream of mine answered in the flesh. I would do anything for him...and yet, I know he wouldn't want me to do this again because as much as I hate to see him sad, he hates to see me go through this. We are so lucky to have each other.
As an aside, just about an hour before our transfer we found out that yet another one of my husband's friends are pregnant again. I struggled to shake it off before the transfer. I have read so much about emotions and mindset as it relates to the functioning of the body and I didn't want the "no baby" funk to poison my chance at having this round of IVF work.
My husband and I agreed that we would only do this twice, and yet, as I lay around on bed rest, I can't help but think about whether I would try one more time if this one doesn't work. I hate the process, but I can't stand to see the sadness in my husband's eyes. I would take shots every day for the rest of my life if it meant that sadness stayed away. He is every dream of mine answered in the flesh. I would do anything for him...and yet, I know he wouldn't want me to do this again because as much as I hate to see him sad, he hates to see me go through this. We are so lucky to have each other.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
IVF Transfer with late maturing eggs
I knew today would be a better day because I didn't get a call from my doctor first thing in the morning. When she called, she indicated that the two eggs that were immature at egg retrieval have matured, fertilized, and are now four cell embryos, which is good. She said they were, "growing beautifully." Well, that's a first. The third egg has not shown any growth for two days and will likely not continue. If that egg makes tremendous growth by tomorrow, it will also be implanted. As of this moment, it looks like tomorrow we will have two embryos to implant...just like last time.
I would like to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers and would ask that everyone continue praying for us. Here's to hoping that this time, it works!
I would like to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers and would ask that everyone continue praying for us. Here's to hoping that this time, it works!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
What an interesting carton of eggs
First, I had 8 glorious eggs. Then, only six where mature. Of the six, only one fertilized and started growing. The next day, the two immature eggs matured. Now, the immature eggs are the ones that are growing while the original fertilized egg is no longer growing. The whole thing really is quite comical.
I will find out tomorrow if any of three are still growing, and if they are, we will transfer them back on Friday.
My husband has a saying that I hate-he says, "it is what it is." I always thought it was a saying that was meant to make a person seem cavalier and casual while hiding a deeper level of angst or disappointment. However, now I can just say, "it is what it is." This whole experience has certainly taught me to let go and go with the flow. I have done the research, read the blogs, done the math, and banked on the odds. None of it fits my experiences. As it turns out, I am my own experience-unique and different from everyone else's. I can't say it will end in a baby-but it sure has been interesting.
I will find out tomorrow if any of three are still growing, and if they are, we will transfer them back on Friday.
My husband has a saying that I hate-he says, "it is what it is." I always thought it was a saying that was meant to make a person seem cavalier and casual while hiding a deeper level of angst or disappointment. However, now I can just say, "it is what it is." This whole experience has certainly taught me to let go and go with the flow. I have done the research, read the blogs, done the math, and banked on the odds. None of it fits my experiences. As it turns out, I am my own experience-unique and different from everyone else's. I can't say it will end in a baby-but it sure has been interesting.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Results of the Egg Retrieval
Yesterday I had my egg retrieval. We got 8 eggs. A significant improvement over the 2 eggs we got during the last egg retrieval. I am very happy....and very sore. The doctor said he would be using a saline wash technique to retrieve the eggs. I don't remember that information the last time. It was a different doctor, so perhaps their preferred methods are different.
I am surprised at how sore I am. I am actually writing this at 3:30 in the morning because I was so uncomfortable I couldn't sleep. This is a significant difference from my last retrieval in which I had minimal pain and recovery. Of course, there were more follicles this time, so perhaps that is part of the reason for the soreness. I also researched the saline flush method and found that operating time and pain afterwards was increased...ahhh, that explains it. There are mixed reviews on whether the flushing method works. Most studies show that it doesn't increase pregnancy rates. However, there is some indication that in poor responders, like me, more eggs can be found this way. I am just glad we got the 8 eggs and I will take the soreness-it's really not a big deal. We will hear from the lab later today to see how many are mature and how many fertilized. I have read all the data and I know the odds. I also know that last time we defied all odds by having both eggs make it to "good quality" embryos ready for implantation on day three and then resulting in pregnancy. By all accounts, that never should have happened. Therefore, I won't get too caught up in data. I would like more eggs so that we can hopefully select the best quality eggs and minimize the chance of yet another miscarriage-but then again, miscarriage is an unknown and there isn't much use wasting time trying to strategize against it. I will instead pray (and I would love anyone else's prayers as well), relax, do yoga, meditate, visualize good things, and hope for the best. I will update later on the results from the lab.
Update: Well, you know it isn't good when the doctor calls and not the nurse. Of the 8 eggs retrieved, 6 were mature and two were immature. They injected the sperm into each of the mature eggs, and only one of the six fertilized. The two eggs that were immature matured and sperm have now been injected into those. We will have to wait until tomorrow to see if they took. It looks like a Thursday transfer if any of the eggs make it. The doctor said the embryologist said that some of the eggs didn't look like they were good quality. Well, okay then. That tells me all I need to know. I can't do anything else to improve egg quality. I have taken every pill, herb, and supplement. I have eaten organic, cut out alcohol, done yoga, positive visualization, and omitted most stress. If they are poor quality, it is simply that my eggs are old-and I can't fix that. I think the writing is on the wall that I am just too old to have another baby.
Here is my struggle. I spend so much time in positive visualization that I feel a bit foolish when I get the bad news. All morning, I have been wondering what would happen if four to six embryos were created-what if four were implanted and they all took. All morning, I have been thinking about having too many eggs-and too many babies. Silly me.
I am surprised at how sore I am. I am actually writing this at 3:30 in the morning because I was so uncomfortable I couldn't sleep. This is a significant difference from my last retrieval in which I had minimal pain and recovery. Of course, there were more follicles this time, so perhaps that is part of the reason for the soreness. I also researched the saline flush method and found that operating time and pain afterwards was increased...ahhh, that explains it. There are mixed reviews on whether the flushing method works. Most studies show that it doesn't increase pregnancy rates. However, there is some indication that in poor responders, like me, more eggs can be found this way. I am just glad we got the 8 eggs and I will take the soreness-it's really not a big deal. We will hear from the lab later today to see how many are mature and how many fertilized. I have read all the data and I know the odds. I also know that last time we defied all odds by having both eggs make it to "good quality" embryos ready for implantation on day three and then resulting in pregnancy. By all accounts, that never should have happened. Therefore, I won't get too caught up in data. I would like more eggs so that we can hopefully select the best quality eggs and minimize the chance of yet another miscarriage-but then again, miscarriage is an unknown and there isn't much use wasting time trying to strategize against it. I will instead pray (and I would love anyone else's prayers as well), relax, do yoga, meditate, visualize good things, and hope for the best. I will update later on the results from the lab.
Update: Well, you know it isn't good when the doctor calls and not the nurse. Of the 8 eggs retrieved, 6 were mature and two were immature. They injected the sperm into each of the mature eggs, and only one of the six fertilized. The two eggs that were immature matured and sperm have now been injected into those. We will have to wait until tomorrow to see if they took. It looks like a Thursday transfer if any of the eggs make it. The doctor said the embryologist said that some of the eggs didn't look like they were good quality. Well, okay then. That tells me all I need to know. I can't do anything else to improve egg quality. I have taken every pill, herb, and supplement. I have eaten organic, cut out alcohol, done yoga, positive visualization, and omitted most stress. If they are poor quality, it is simply that my eggs are old-and I can't fix that. I think the writing is on the wall that I am just too old to have another baby.
Here is my struggle. I spend so much time in positive visualization that I feel a bit foolish when I get the bad news. All morning, I have been wondering what would happen if four to six embryos were created-what if four were implanted and they all took. All morning, I have been thinking about having too many eggs-and too many babies. Silly me.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Trigger Day for IVF
Yesterday during my monitoring appointment, I was told that I would likely have to administer my trigger shot last night because four of the follicles were fully mature. My follicle sizes yesterday were 12, 12.2, 13.8, 18, 20.4, 21.4, 22.9. I am not sure how much stock to take in these sizes because that seems like a lot of growth in a few of the follicles and it was a different sonogram technician.
I returned from my monitoring appointment to find my new medications had been delivered. These medications had been ordered less than twenty-four hours before because I was told that I would likely have to be on stimulants for several more days. Thank goodness my insurance covers most of the cost of those medications. I was annoyed that I spent $80 on medicine I wouldn't need; however, I am so thankful that I don't have to spend the thousands of dollars some people have to spend.
I waited all day to hear from the doctor's office yesterday. When I didn't hear by 4pm, I was sure that I would be triggering that night and I was just waiting for the scheduling nurse to call me. Sure enough, I got the call around 5pm. We would told to administer the trigger shot at 4am. BLECH!
I woke up every fifteen to twenty minutes from 1am until we finally administered the shot at 4am. I was overly paranoid about sleeping through the trigger time and wasting an entire cycle. At 3:50am, I finally got up and mixed my medicine, 10,000 units of Novadrel. The needle of the trigger shot is pretty impressive. Luckily, it doesn't hurt-but that sucker looks like it could pierce straight through to the other side. Once in college I wanted to nail something on my closet door and used a nail that was too big. As a result, the sharp point of the nail poked through the inside of the door and caught my hand every time I tried to get something from the closet. As I looked at the needle, I had the same visual of the point popping out of the front of my stomach. My husband stumbled out of bed, quickly looked over the directions to make sure he didn't miss anything, and asked me to bend over. In seconds, the needle was in my "hindquarters" (a term that really should be reserved for horses and pigs). It seemed like it took forever for the medicine to go in. I felt the needle come out and then I heard, "Oh shit," and felt my husband wiping my backside with the alcohol wipe he had just used to clean the area. "Whatcha doin' back there," I asked. He told me that I was bleeding. We forgot to get the gauze ready before the shot, in case there was bleeding. Trying to seem calm, I asked him if he had checked to make sure he didn't hit a vein before administering the shot-I don't know why, but this seemed very important to the nurse teaching our injection class. He assured me he had. "Alright, well get that alcohol away from the bleeding-that crap burns...and if I die in the middle of the night, be sure to tell them it's because of this stupid shot." With that, I crawled back in bed and my husband stared at me in disbelief. "You are going to go back to bed now and I am going to have to sit up and worry about you all night." What can I say, sleeping has always been a real gift of mine. I am pretty sure I could win the Olympics if they had a sleeping heat...unless of course, my father was also in the Olympics. In that case, I would have to take the silver medal.
This morning, I am still alive (I didn't really think I wouldn't be-I was more or less just toying with my husband). Thank goodness today is the playoffs and I get to go to a Ravens Playoff party. I am planning on eating until they roll me out. I can't eat tomorrow and so I am planning on making up for it today. I might even pull out my old maternity pants just to make sure that I eliminate all obstacles.
Tonight I have to take the antibiotic that makes me feel like crap. Tomorrow I won't be able to eat after 9, and only water until 12, and then nothing. I have to be in the office at 2:30pm for a 4pm egg retrieval. Here's to hoping it all goes well....if not, at least I will have had a heck of a meal today!
I returned from my monitoring appointment to find my new medications had been delivered. These medications had been ordered less than twenty-four hours before because I was told that I would likely have to be on stimulants for several more days. Thank goodness my insurance covers most of the cost of those medications. I was annoyed that I spent $80 on medicine I wouldn't need; however, I am so thankful that I don't have to spend the thousands of dollars some people have to spend.
I waited all day to hear from the doctor's office yesterday. When I didn't hear by 4pm, I was sure that I would be triggering that night and I was just waiting for the scheduling nurse to call me. Sure enough, I got the call around 5pm. We would told to administer the trigger shot at 4am. BLECH!
I woke up every fifteen to twenty minutes from 1am until we finally administered the shot at 4am. I was overly paranoid about sleeping through the trigger time and wasting an entire cycle. At 3:50am, I finally got up and mixed my medicine, 10,000 units of Novadrel. The needle of the trigger shot is pretty impressive. Luckily, it doesn't hurt-but that sucker looks like it could pierce straight through to the other side. Once in college I wanted to nail something on my closet door and used a nail that was too big. As a result, the sharp point of the nail poked through the inside of the door and caught my hand every time I tried to get something from the closet. As I looked at the needle, I had the same visual of the point popping out of the front of my stomach. My husband stumbled out of bed, quickly looked over the directions to make sure he didn't miss anything, and asked me to bend over. In seconds, the needle was in my "hindquarters" (a term that really should be reserved for horses and pigs). It seemed like it took forever for the medicine to go in. I felt the needle come out and then I heard, "Oh shit," and felt my husband wiping my backside with the alcohol wipe he had just used to clean the area. "Whatcha doin' back there," I asked. He told me that I was bleeding. We forgot to get the gauze ready before the shot, in case there was bleeding. Trying to seem calm, I asked him if he had checked to make sure he didn't hit a vein before administering the shot-I don't know why, but this seemed very important to the nurse teaching our injection class. He assured me he had. "Alright, well get that alcohol away from the bleeding-that crap burns...and if I die in the middle of the night, be sure to tell them it's because of this stupid shot." With that, I crawled back in bed and my husband stared at me in disbelief. "You are going to go back to bed now and I am going to have to sit up and worry about you all night." What can I say, sleeping has always been a real gift of mine. I am pretty sure I could win the Olympics if they had a sleeping heat...unless of course, my father was also in the Olympics. In that case, I would have to take the silver medal.
This morning, I am still alive (I didn't really think I wouldn't be-I was more or less just toying with my husband). Thank goodness today is the playoffs and I get to go to a Ravens Playoff party. I am planning on eating until they roll me out. I can't eat tomorrow and so I am planning on making up for it today. I might even pull out my old maternity pants just to make sure that I eliminate all obstacles.
Tonight I have to take the antibiotic that makes me feel like crap. Tomorrow I won't be able to eat after 9, and only water until 12, and then nothing. I have to be in the office at 2:30pm for a 4pm egg retrieval. Here's to hoping it all goes well....if not, at least I will have had a heck of a meal today!
Friday, January 20, 2012
Update on the latest IVF cycle
Morning:
This month's cycle so far has been more successful. A few days ago, they measured five follicles. Two days ago, they measured seven follicles with the following sizes: 9.3, 10.4, 10.8, 12 ,12.1,13, 16.1. My E2 number was good at 1182, over doubling in two days, as it should be. This morning I went back in for monitoring and some of my follicles have grown. Two are questionable in growth, but the rest look good, growing the expect 1 to 3mm per day. The numbers are 10.2, 10.6, 13.5, 14.2, 15.7, 17.5, 18.5. At first, they thought I would trigger on Thursday for a retrieval on Saturday. Then it was pushed back a day. Yesterday, they thought it would be pushed back to trigger on Sunday with a retrieval on Tuesday. Today they think I might trigger tomorrow. In general, any follicle larger than 14mm is supposed to have a mature egg. In IVF, triggers are usually given once the follicles reach about 18mm.
This whole thing is a big pain in the neck in terms of trying to schedule work around days that keep changing. However, I am so pleased that the follicles are growing and that we have some more than we did during the last cycle. Hopefully this will allow us more choice in selecting the viable embryos for implantation. I go back again tomorrow (third day in a row of sonogram and bloodwork) for more monitoring.
Afternoon:
I just received a call from my nurse. It looks like I will need a few more days of stimulants. Yuck. Also, my estrogen went down today to 1,010. I don't know what that means. As I do the ridiculous and stupid search on Google (an action that should really be illegal for all those going through any medical procedure), I am finding that a drop in E2 means that the eggs are likely of poor quality and the IVF cycle will likely be cancelled. Of course, I found just as many depressing articles during my last IVF cycle when I only had two eggs, and I ended up with a successful cyle. I know I should stay positive. I know I should stay off Google. This is the time to use positive visualization and stress reduction techniques. I am not quite there. Hopefully I will be soon. For now, I am just sad. Once again, I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. I am emotionally tired of this process. The unknown and ups and downs is wearing on my positivity.
This month's cycle so far has been more successful. A few days ago, they measured five follicles. Two days ago, they measured seven follicles with the following sizes: 9.3, 10.4, 10.8, 12 ,12.1,13, 16.1. My E2 number was good at 1182, over doubling in two days, as it should be. This morning I went back in for monitoring and some of my follicles have grown. Two are questionable in growth, but the rest look good, growing the expect 1 to 3mm per day. The numbers are 10.2, 10.6, 13.5, 14.2, 15.7, 17.5, 18.5. At first, they thought I would trigger on Thursday for a retrieval on Saturday. Then it was pushed back a day. Yesterday, they thought it would be pushed back to trigger on Sunday with a retrieval on Tuesday. Today they think I might trigger tomorrow. In general, any follicle larger than 14mm is supposed to have a mature egg. In IVF, triggers are usually given once the follicles reach about 18mm.
This whole thing is a big pain in the neck in terms of trying to schedule work around days that keep changing. However, I am so pleased that the follicles are growing and that we have some more than we did during the last cycle. Hopefully this will allow us more choice in selecting the viable embryos for implantation. I go back again tomorrow (third day in a row of sonogram and bloodwork) for more monitoring.
Afternoon:
I just received a call from my nurse. It looks like I will need a few more days of stimulants. Yuck. Also, my estrogen went down today to 1,010. I don't know what that means. As I do the ridiculous and stupid search on Google (an action that should really be illegal for all those going through any medical procedure), I am finding that a drop in E2 means that the eggs are likely of poor quality and the IVF cycle will likely be cancelled. Of course, I found just as many depressing articles during my last IVF cycle when I only had two eggs, and I ended up with a successful cyle. I know I should stay positive. I know I should stay off Google. This is the time to use positive visualization and stress reduction techniques. I am not quite there. Hopefully I will be soon. For now, I am just sad. Once again, I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. I am emotionally tired of this process. The unknown and ups and downs is wearing on my positivity.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Thank you for my Gift
I used to think that as a parent, it was my job to impart Gifts to my children. Not the gifts that Santa brings, but the type of Gifts that will live on long after I am gone. I provide them with love and support. I teach them everything, from walking and talking to how to be a kind and generous person, a responsible citizen, a respected worker, a loving spouse, and a selfless parent. I viewed the love of parent and child pulsating between two hearts-glowing and magnitizing-but stronger and brighter in one direction. As a child myself, I have often wondered if my parents have any idea how deeply I love them...yet as a parent, I understand the profound deepness of parental love. A child's job is simply to love, grow up, and grow away. A parent's job is to love, to teach, and to stay still. We are lighthouses atop a rock-a stable beacon of safety and security for our children so that while they may wander, they may always find their way home.
Of course, as parents, we know that it is ridiculous to think our children don't teach us. Our children teach us every day. We learn patience and humility, selflessness and humor. We learn to recapture innocence. Our children force us to cast off our glasses, smeared and chipped from the smog and hardships of life so we can see life with the same brilliance they see- dazzling and sparkling under the virgin sun...all of it wondrous and new. It is in these moments that I am overwhelmed by parenthood. I am weightless in the joy and warmth.
We also know that our children are our beacon of light. Yesterday I was changing my son's clothes and gave him a kiss on his belly. He roared with laughter and shouted, "Again!" I chuckled and repeated....and repeated...and repeated....and repeated. We were stuck in a moment that will now forever be part of my fabric-his damp baby breath soft on my cheek, his warm hands on my face, and his sweet baby scent swirling and mixing with his laughter as it hung around us. We were nose to nose, giggling, breathing each other. In that moment, I was struck that my children are my Gift, straight from God. These moments are what Heaven feels like, smells like, sounds like. In that sliver of space between my nose and his-where we connect as one, in the absence of time and the abundance of light-that is where God lives. In those moments, God shines through my children to show me the way home.
I know that moment wasn't a gift to my son because that moment has already passed through him, indistinguishable from thousands of other moments. That moment was a gift meant for me-a moment captured with my breath and absorbed by my heart.
So while I give my children the Gifts they will need to grow and live well, they give me the Gift of Heaven on Earth each day. They help me to see as a child sees, as angels see, as God sees. Every day they walk me closer to Heaven. While I have been focusing on giving them the Gifts that will sustain them long after I am gone, they have been giving me the gift of Eternity.
Of course, as parents, we know that it is ridiculous to think our children don't teach us. Our children teach us every day. We learn patience and humility, selflessness and humor. We learn to recapture innocence. Our children force us to cast off our glasses, smeared and chipped from the smog and hardships of life so we can see life with the same brilliance they see- dazzling and sparkling under the virgin sun...all of it wondrous and new. It is in these moments that I am overwhelmed by parenthood. I am weightless in the joy and warmth.
We also know that our children are our beacon of light. Yesterday I was changing my son's clothes and gave him a kiss on his belly. He roared with laughter and shouted, "Again!" I chuckled and repeated....and repeated...and repeated....and repeated. We were stuck in a moment that will now forever be part of my fabric-his damp baby breath soft on my cheek, his warm hands on my face, and his sweet baby scent swirling and mixing with his laughter as it hung around us. We were nose to nose, giggling, breathing each other. In that moment, I was struck that my children are my Gift, straight from God. These moments are what Heaven feels like, smells like, sounds like. In that sliver of space between my nose and his-where we connect as one, in the absence of time and the abundance of light-that is where God lives. In those moments, God shines through my children to show me the way home.I know that moment wasn't a gift to my son because that moment has already passed through him, indistinguishable from thousands of other moments. That moment was a gift meant for me-a moment captured with my breath and absorbed by my heart.
So while I give my children the Gifts they will need to grow and live well, they give me the Gift of Heaven on Earth each day. They help me to see as a child sees, as angels see, as God sees. Every day they walk me closer to Heaven. While I have been focusing on giving them the Gifts that will sustain them long after I am gone, they have been giving me the gift of Eternity.
A few good eggs
Here is an update of what is happening in my infertility treatments. We started a new cycle. This time we used a "Ganirelex antogen" protocol, although I am using Centrotide because I have a latex allergy and can't take Ganirelex. I secretly stopped taking my birth control pills one day early to give my body an extra day to rest (and hopefully clear out some of the suppressive hormones) before starting my stimulant shots four days later. I have been taking 300 of Gonal F in the morning and 150 of Gonal F and 150 of Menopur at night. My first bloodwork on the fourth day came back with an E2 level of 103. I found something online that said it should be above 100...which is better than it was last time when it was 67. I didn't get a sonogram that day because the sonogram tech was backed up and I had to get to work for a meeting. Two days later (yesterday), I went in for more bloodwork and a sonogram. They were able to see five measurable follicles ranging in size from 10 to 12 mm. The tech couldn't really see my left ovary (they never can), so she said there may be more on the left that she can't see. YAY! This is a significant improvement from the two small, unmeasurable follicles, we saw the last time at this point in the treatment. My E2 levels were 270. They are supposed to double every day and a half to two days, so I am above target. Again, better results than last time when they fell just short of doubling. Last night I took my first shot of Centrotide and from now on I will just take it in the morning. I have to mix the solution in the syringe with a powder and put it back in the syringe, but the packaging doesn't provide a Q-cap, which makes it very easy to mix the medicines. Luckily, I have a ton of extras from the Menopur, so I am using those (as a tip to anyone reading, save your Q-caps just in case you need them for situations like this. Trying to get all the liquid back in the syringe using the big needle they provide is frustrating). The needle is bigger than the other needles, and the medicine itches and burns, but no worse than the other medications. I also increased my dosage of Menopur to 225, which means I mix three vials of powder into one syringe. I understand this is the maximum that can be mixed together and if it needs to be increased, I will need another shot-so hopefully this amount does the trick. I will go back two days from the last bloodwork/sonogram appointment, which is tomorrow, to see how things are growing. As of right now, I am still scheduled for egg retrieval this Saturday.
My reflection: The first time we went through this process, I was so disappointed to only get two eggs after a maximum dosage of hormones. I felt like my body had gone nine rounds with Mike Tyson. My stomach and my arms were bruised and sore and I was emotionally drained from the hormonal fluctuations. Every day I wasn't sure if they were going to cancel the cycle and the uncertainty and underlying fear of the process took its toll. Sure, on the outside, I was calm and I was trying to convince myself I was okay, but I could feel the current underneath shocking me, keeping me on edge. The doctor was never going to implant more than 3 eggs anyway, and we implanted two, so I don't feel like we lost anything. I also felt like I wasn't wasteful. It is no secret that I struggle with the faith side of infertility and I may have had more difficulty if I had to leave some embryos in the dish. Plus, we got pregnant, so it worked...it just didn't stick.
This time, I have the same mentality. I don't need twenty eggs. I am old (by baby-making standards). I am not freezing eggs to use for later. I just need a few good eggs. This is my last round of IVF, so there is no point in getting more eggs than I will use for this cycle (plus even if I did another round, I would use a fresh cycle because at my age, there is a higher success rate with fresh cycles when compared to frozen cycles). The doctor said this time, if I have enough eggs, she may implant three to four. Now that scares me. I would like one more child. I have mentally been preparing myself for twins and the complications that may come with twins, but more than that is just nuts. However, we implanted two last time and they weren't genetically strong enough to last, so I understand that more gives us a better chance. I would like to have enough eggs so that the doctor would consider waiting to do a five day transfer to select the best eggs, but I understand that is unlikely-and again, the three day transfer worked for me...it just didn't hold. Mentally and physically, I feel much better this time. Sure, I hate the shots and I get grumpy for a few minutes because it burns and I hate shots in general. But this time is different. I have been focusing on my acupuncture, yoga, and walking. I am trying to stay stress free, eat well (according to chinese medicine and Dr.Oz principles), and focus on finding balance in my life. I don't feel as hormonally off kilter this time. I am not crying at television shows or sad commercials. I don't get to the end of my night feeling drained. I am viewing the shots as the medicine that is "waking up" my ovaries and helping them to act more youthful so I can have another baby. I am trying to spend a few minutes every day visualizing light and energy in that area (that one is still a stretch for me, but I am trying). I think this round is easier right now because we aren't grasping desperately at the results. Sure, we want this round to work more than anything, and we will be so very sad if it doesn't work and we find ourselves at a finish line that we weren't ready to cross yet...but we also know that we have given it our best shot and if it isn't in the cards for us, then God must have other plans for us and our family. I will work as hard as I can to make this happen, knowing that in the end, everything else is really beyond my control. With this knowledge, I feel comfortable knowing that if this one doesn't take, it wasn't because I had a sip of caffeine, or worked too late, or didn't want it enough, or didn't try enough, or forgot to eat something green one day, or took a Tylenol...it this one doesn't work, it just simply wasn't meant to be. And if that happens, I bow my head and say, "Okay God, lead me in the direction you want me to go. You have something planned for me-so let's get on it."
My reflection: The first time we went through this process, I was so disappointed to only get two eggs after a maximum dosage of hormones. I felt like my body had gone nine rounds with Mike Tyson. My stomach and my arms were bruised and sore and I was emotionally drained from the hormonal fluctuations. Every day I wasn't sure if they were going to cancel the cycle and the uncertainty and underlying fear of the process took its toll. Sure, on the outside, I was calm and I was trying to convince myself I was okay, but I could feel the current underneath shocking me, keeping me on edge. The doctor was never going to implant more than 3 eggs anyway, and we implanted two, so I don't feel like we lost anything. I also felt like I wasn't wasteful. It is no secret that I struggle with the faith side of infertility and I may have had more difficulty if I had to leave some embryos in the dish. Plus, we got pregnant, so it worked...it just didn't stick.
This time, I have the same mentality. I don't need twenty eggs. I am old (by baby-making standards). I am not freezing eggs to use for later. I just need a few good eggs. This is my last round of IVF, so there is no point in getting more eggs than I will use for this cycle (plus even if I did another round, I would use a fresh cycle because at my age, there is a higher success rate with fresh cycles when compared to frozen cycles). The doctor said this time, if I have enough eggs, she may implant three to four. Now that scares me. I would like one more child. I have mentally been preparing myself for twins and the complications that may come with twins, but more than that is just nuts. However, we implanted two last time and they weren't genetically strong enough to last, so I understand that more gives us a better chance. I would like to have enough eggs so that the doctor would consider waiting to do a five day transfer to select the best eggs, but I understand that is unlikely-and again, the three day transfer worked for me...it just didn't hold. Mentally and physically, I feel much better this time. Sure, I hate the shots and I get grumpy for a few minutes because it burns and I hate shots in general. But this time is different. I have been focusing on my acupuncture, yoga, and walking. I am trying to stay stress free, eat well (according to chinese medicine and Dr.Oz principles), and focus on finding balance in my life. I don't feel as hormonally off kilter this time. I am not crying at television shows or sad commercials. I don't get to the end of my night feeling drained. I am viewing the shots as the medicine that is "waking up" my ovaries and helping them to act more youthful so I can have another baby. I am trying to spend a few minutes every day visualizing light and energy in that area (that one is still a stretch for me, but I am trying). I think this round is easier right now because we aren't grasping desperately at the results. Sure, we want this round to work more than anything, and we will be so very sad if it doesn't work and we find ourselves at a finish line that we weren't ready to cross yet...but we also know that we have given it our best shot and if it isn't in the cards for us, then God must have other plans for us and our family. I will work as hard as I can to make this happen, knowing that in the end, everything else is really beyond my control. With this knowledge, I feel comfortable knowing that if this one doesn't take, it wasn't because I had a sip of caffeine, or worked too late, or didn't want it enough, or didn't try enough, or forgot to eat something green one day, or took a Tylenol...it this one doesn't work, it just simply wasn't meant to be. And if that happens, I bow my head and say, "Okay God, lead me in the direction you want me to go. You have something planned for me-so let's get on it."
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Where are we now?
Well, I have had my initial bloodwork and I have started my shots again. I already have bruises on my stomach and I seem to be more sensitive to the shots this time around. However, I feel more positive this time. I have been walking every day and doing yoga every day. I have been more consistent with acupuncture, which I believe has really helped me. My acupuncturist told me to think of medicine as "waking up" my reproductive system. I love this imagery and I have actually used this image when injecting myself. I think it is a lot more positive than my previous thinking of "I am shooting myself full of crap that probably won't result in pregnancy but will more likely give me cancer." I have been trying to do positive imagery every day, but I find it difficult. I am intrigued by chinese medicine, acupuncture, visualization, and nutrition. I wish I was better at visualization, but when I try to send light into my ovaries, I just see black. Every day I try, and just like doing yoga-one day I will get it...it will all just click in.
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