A few good eggs

Here is an update of what is happening in my infertility treatments.  We started a new cycle.  This time we used a "Ganirelex antogen" protocol, although I am using Centrotide because I have a latex allergy and can't take Ganirelex.  I secretly stopped taking my birth control pills one day early to give my body an extra day to rest (and hopefully clear out some of the suppressive hormones) before starting my stimulant shots four days later.  I have been taking 300 of Gonal F in the morning and 150 of Gonal F and 150 of Menopur at night.  My first bloodwork on the fourth day came back with an E2 level of 103.  I found something online that said it should be above 100...which is better than it was last time when it was 67.  I didn't get a sonogram that day because the sonogram tech was backed up and I had to get to work for a meeting.  Two days later (yesterday), I went in for more bloodwork and a sonogram.  They were able to see five measurable follicles ranging in size from 10 to 12 mm.  The tech couldn't really see my left ovary (they never can), so she said there may be more on the left that she can't see.  YAY!  This is a significant improvement from the two small, unmeasurable follicles, we saw the last time at this point in the treatment.  My E2 levels were 270.  They are supposed to double every day and a half to two days, so I am above target.  Again, better results than last time when they fell just short of doubling.  Last night I took my first shot of Centrotide and from now on I will just take it in the morning.  I have to mix the solution in the syringe with a powder and put it back in the syringe, but the packaging doesn't provide a Q-cap, which makes it very easy to mix the medicines.  Luckily, I have a ton of extras from the Menopur, so I am using those (as a tip to anyone reading, save your Q-caps just in case you need them for situations like this. Trying to get all the liquid back in the syringe using the big needle they provide is frustrating). The needle is bigger than the other needles, and the medicine itches and burns, but no worse than the other medications. I also increased my dosage of Menopur to 225, which means I mix three vials of powder into one syringe.  I understand this is the maximum that can be mixed together and if it needs to be increased, I will need another shot-so hopefully this amount does the trick.  I will go back two days from the last bloodwork/sonogram appointment, which is tomorrow, to see how things are growing.  As of right now, I am still scheduled for egg retrieval this Saturday.

My reflection:  The first time we went through this process, I was so disappointed to only get two eggs after a maximum dosage of hormones. I felt like my body had gone nine rounds with Mike Tyson. My stomach and my arms were bruised and sore and I was emotionally drained from the hormonal fluctuations.  Every day I wasn't sure if they were going to cancel the cycle and the uncertainty and underlying fear of the process took its toll.  Sure, on the outside, I was calm and I was trying to convince myself I was okay, but I could feel the current underneath shocking me, keeping me on edge.  The doctor was never going to implant more than 3 eggs anyway, and we implanted two, so I don't feel like we lost anything. I also felt like I wasn't wasteful.  It is no secret that I struggle with the faith side of infertility and I may have had more difficulty if I had to leave some embryos in the dish.  Plus, we got pregnant, so it worked...it just didn't stick.

This time, I have the same mentality.  I don't need twenty eggs.  I am old (by baby-making standards).  I am not freezing eggs to use for later. I just need a few good eggs. This is my last round of IVF, so there is no point in getting more eggs than I will use for this cycle (plus even if I did another round, I would use a fresh cycle because at my age, there is a higher success rate with fresh cycles when compared to frozen cycles).  The doctor said this time, if I have enough eggs, she may implant three to four.  Now that scares me.  I would like one more child.  I have mentally been preparing myself for twins and the complications that may come with twins, but more than that is just nuts.  However, we implanted two last time and they weren't genetically strong enough to last, so I understand that more gives us a better chance.  I would like to have enough eggs so that the doctor would consider waiting to do a five day transfer to select the best eggs, but I understand that is unlikely-and again, the three day transfer worked for me...it just didn't hold.  Mentally and physically, I feel much better this time.  Sure, I hate the shots and I get grumpy for a few minutes because it burns and I hate shots in general.  But this time is different.  I have been focusing on my acupuncture, yoga, and walking.  I am trying to stay stress free, eat well (according to chinese medicine and Dr.Oz principles), and focus on finding balance in my life.  I don't feel as hormonally off kilter this time.  I am not crying at television shows or sad commercials.  I don't get to the end of my night feeling drained.  I am viewing the shots as the medicine that is "waking up" my ovaries and helping them to act more youthful so I can have another baby.  I am trying to spend a few minutes every day visualizing light and energy in that area (that one is still a stretch for me, but I am trying).  I think this round is easier right now because we aren't grasping desperately at the results.  Sure, we want this round to work more than anything, and we will be so very sad if it doesn't work and we find ourselves at a finish line that we weren't ready to cross yet...but we also know that we have given it our best shot and if it isn't in the cards for us, then God must have other plans for us and our family.  I will work as hard as I can to make this happen, knowing that in the end, everything else is really beyond my control. With this knowledge, I feel comfortable knowing that if this one doesn't take, it wasn't because I had a sip of caffeine, or worked too late, or didn't want it enough, or didn't try enough, or forgot to eat something green one day, or took a Tylenol...it this one doesn't work, it just simply wasn't meant to be.  And if that happens, I bow my head and say, "Okay God, lead me in the direction you want me to go. You have something planned for me-so let's get on it."