Frustrated by Careless Oversight

Yesterday I was sitting at dinner with my in-laws when I got a call from Freedom Fertility Pharmacy.  The very chipper girl talked in such a high sing-songy voice that I had to ask her three times to repeat herself. Finally, I understood that my medications for my new treatment would not be shipped today, as planned, because Ganirelex cannot be used by people with a latex allergy.  I am a little miffed pissed.  I thought I was supposed to be getting top of the line treatment by one of the best fertility specialists.  Yet, when I told the doctor that I don't manage birth control pills well, I was given the "option" to not take them, with the very thick undercurrent of "but if it doesn't work out, it is definitely your fault, you ridiculously silly woman who thinks she has all the knowledge of a doctor because she can work the Internet."  I agreed to take birth control pills to start the next treatment, and we changed our plan to use the maximum amount of stimulants (Gonal-F and Menopur) before starting Ganirelex to prevent ovulation.  It says in my chart, in very big stamped red letters, LATEX ALLERGY.  So how is it that I was prescribed a treatment plan that includes a medication that can't be used on patients with a latex allergy?  I feel like chattel being pushed and prodded along with all the other infertile women. When I stop and protest, I get a swift shock to remind me that I am not a woman trying to have a baby, but merely one of a million cows being corralled through the master slaughter house of fertility specialists.  I feel like the more "treatment" I get, the further I get from my natural fertility.  I was apathetic about starting this new IVF treatment cycle, and now I am feeling ready to quit it all. I am ready to move on with my life without ever becoming a mother of four.  I am ready to stop-but then I look at my husband and I go on.  I know how much he wants this and I have never been a quitter, and so I won't quit now.  Being a fighter has had it's benefits in life, but now I feel like I am just banging my head against a brick wall.  I am frustrated.  I am angry.

Throwing Away New Year's Resolutions

This time of year is my favorite time of year.  Not only is Christmas my favorite holiday, but because I work in the school system, I get a vacation between Christmas and New Year’s Day.  During this week every year, I play with my children, nap, cook, read, and engage in my guiltiest pleasure-morning news television.  The morning news programs tell me why my winter coat is no longer in style, what those crazy  Kardashian sisters are up to now, which movies I must see, and how to turn leftover Christmas dinner into quiche.  However, there is also a darker side to watching morning news television during this week.  This is the week in which the segments are filled with tips regarding New Year’s resolutions.  Each day I learn how to do more with my money, get fit, and eat healthier.  I watch segments on how to be a better parent, a more dedicated employee, and a more responsible citizen.

 What is wrong with all these tips?  Well, in short, they make us feel lousy about ourselves.  Even the term “resolutions” makes me cringe.  Just the act of making a resolution sends a message that we are broken and must be fixed. When we feel incomplete, it changes who we are, how we look at the world, and how we interact with others.  We exhaust ourselves trying to hide our flaws, appear perfect to the outside world, and find the cure for our hideous imperfections.   Every year, most Americans make a resolution, and every year by February, most Americans have already broken those resolutions.  We feel terrible for being such weak and horrible individuals and we spend the rest of the year silently whipping ourselves for our weaknesses, only to begin the crazy cycle again next year.  Why do we do this to ourselves?

I am calling for the end of New Year’s Resolutions and the beginning of New Year’s Celebrations.  We should celebrate that which is beautiful, special, unique, and ordinary about ourselves.  Instead of looking ahead or lamenting the past, we should be still in the moment.  Sit quietly.  Take in all that surrounds us, all that is within us. We should embrace ourselves, our scars, our soft bellies, and our crinkled eyes- for those scars are trophies of that which have made us strong, our soft bellies reflect time we spent lingering over meals with our friends and family, and every line etched around our eyes tells our story of joy or sorrow.  Instead of resolving to change, we should resolve to first love ourselves as whole individuals, perfect and unique, ordinary and rare.  Wrapped up in all our quirks and “imperfections,” we are whole, we are worthy, we are special.   So I raise a glass and toast to you, for all that you are is all that you need to be in this moment.  Happy New Year!

Zero isn't nothing

On Friday I received the call that my hcg level had returned to "negative." I was blissfully pregnant for one week. I was told to stop all medications and wait for my period to come. The doctor is supposed to call me this week with a new plan of action. 

Here is the interesting thing.  I don't care about the new plan of action.  Not in the apathetic, "I give up" kind of way of not caring, but more of an honest detachment from the emotion.  Perhaps it is because I have had so many consecutive losses I am no longer attached to the results, or perhaps it is because with every loss I feel closer to understanding that I have another purpose that might not include more children.  Or maybe it is because I haven't had time to be sad because it is Christmastime and I have other children.  My job is to make their Christmas wonderful and special-I can be sad some other time.

I am not sure if I will try again.  I will probably will.  Right now, I am focusing on my family and the holidays.  I am happy and blessed to have such a wonderful family.  I am satisfied with my life.  I am sad that once again, I am not pregnant, but I don't feel a hole in my life.  We would love to add more children to our family, but we are whole and complete just as we are.  For that reason,  I feel like it would be self-indulgent to collapse into sadness.

This week, I will count my blessings.  I will appreciate my children and glow in the light cast off from their brilliant exuberance.  I will nestle in the crook of my husband's arm and lay my head on his shoulder, drunk on the warmth and giggles and joy. I will pray and think deeply on what to do next. But for today, I will appreciate today.

Wordle of My Blog

Here is a wordle I created by entering my blog URL.  I love wordles because it shows patterns in language, and I believe language is so important. Language not only reflects our thoughts and state of mind, but shapes it as well.  Want to change your outlook on life? Pay very close attention to the words you choose and choose more positive, less extreme words and phrases.  I have often noticed that people who speak in extremes often see the world as black and white.  This may not be bad if you are in the white, but what happens when you fall into the black? If you want to challenge yourself, take recent emails to friends, facebook pages, or journal writings and enter into a wordle program and see what you come up with.  What do your word choices look like?  How are your words impacting your outlook on life? How is it impacting your ability to move forward and make the most of life?

Recently my struggles with IVF, infertility and miscarriage have dominated my blog and the language reflects those topics.  I sat for a minute and thought carefully on my wordle.  There are a lot of emotions in my writing of hope, sadness and possibility.  I do a lot of thinking, writing, and feeling.  There weren't any words like "give up", "dejected", "hopeless."  While this period in my life is most certainly marked with sadness, frustration, and medical treatments, I continue to have words of positivity, family, and goodness.  This gives me perspective and helps me see that I am able to be more than this fight for a fourth child.  I am full of life, full of heart, full of family, full of possibility.  I am. (and that is all I need to be).

Exhale through the Limbo

14.  That was my HCG number yesterday.  14.  I am now two weeks past my 3 day transfer and they expect the numbers to be over 100 and my was 14.  Of course, I found out minutes before a meeting and has to sit through a meeting sniffling and wiping tears away.  Luckily, it is also cold season, so someone thought I just had a terrible cold.  The others were not fooled.    My heart broke, my spirits sank.  I was so close, yet again.  I can't begin to explain the despair and sadness over being told that once again, I was going to lose pregnancy.

I went to my acupuncturist in a frenetic mess.  He helped to calm me down and said I was, in fact, pregnant.  While he couldn't tell whether the pregnancy would last, for the minute I was pregnant and I should continue to be calm and peaceful and wait and see what happens.  His perspective was that nature will take care of itself and we don't know what those outcomes will be, but maybe the numbers are wrong-maybe the baby is a slow starter-maybe a lot of things. Stress would only harm the baby's chance of surviving, so I should be calm.  By the time I left, I was still feeling so sad, but more calm. 

Today, I am trying to be positive and calm.  I am trying, but the tears just keep flowing.  It feels like pretending for the next two days only puts of the inevitable.  However, what is the harm in thinking positively, doing yoga, and staying peaceful?  If it doesn't work out, at least I won't have whipped myself into a frenzy and if it does work out, maybe the positivity worked.

So for right now, I am once again in limbo.  Once again waiting, praying, and hoping for positive results.  I need to make a change.  Since beginning this process of having another child two years ago, too much of my life has been spent waiting, holding my breath, looking forward to dates in the future. Too much time has been spent in sadness over loss and even more time mourning something that never was.  In the meantime, the seconds, minutes, and days are passing me by.  I am losing time in sadness-losing time in waiting-losing time in daydreaming about something that may never be.  I have a beautiful family and I am blessed.  There is never a time when I am not thankful for my children or the life I lead-and yet my life feels like that second when you hold your breath and tense your body, bracing for the great surprise or protection from another blow.  I have put travel, career, and other things on hold while I hold my breath and brace myself.  It is exhausting and pointless.  I need to exhale.  I need to breathe through the moment.  I need to breathe through the day. But for now, I am still sad with a touch of residual hope.

Reflections

This morning, I am terribly sick to my stomach.  I have cramps.  I am sure that I am getting my period.  I am sure the blood test will come back negative today and I will have lost another pregnancy.  I am desperately trying to stay positive and hopeful, but the fear sits in the corners of my brain like eternal dust that kicks up with any movement.  I am trying to be still.  I am trying to breathe. 

My husband sent me this email this morning:
Fear less, hope more,

eat less, chew more,

whine less, breathe more,

talk less, say more,

hate less, love more...

and all good things will be yours.

- Swedish Proverb

He is a wise man who knows just what I need.  I will think and pray on this today.

And, in an effort to clean out the darkness and focus on the light, I have made a list of good things that have come from this process so far:

• Even when IVF only produces two eggs, a pregnancy can occur.
• Even when the eggs look, "less than ideal", they can turn it around and receive the highest grading by the time of transfer.
• Three embryo transfers produce pregnancies.
• There is hope that 6 and 7 cell embryos produce pregnancies.
• There is evidence that IVF works for me.  Hopefully this one sticks, and if not, there is no evidence suggesting another try won't work.
• When I first found out I was pregnant right after the birth of my son, I was terrified at being a mother of four children. I was surprised and delighted.  While we weren't not trying, we weren't purposeful. It was a great excuse to shrug off the decision to have four children. When I lost the pregnancy,  I knew I wanted another one.  This process has revealed to me just how much I am willing to do for my fourth child and just how deep this desire runs.  It isn't something that happened by chance or a light wish to be brushed off.  This desire runs deep through my soul.  Now I stand strong with purpose in my decision to have four children.  It isn't something to slink away from or shrug off when people look at me with that confused look and say, "Four?  REALLY?"  Now, I can unequivocally say, "Yes! I worked damned hard to get the family of my dreams!" (those who know me know that this goes much deeper than just a fourth child)
• Challenge brings my husband and I closer together.  I am so thankful to have such a wonderful partner and friend.
• I am stronger in myself.  Others may have opinions about whether I should do IVF, whether I should try so hard, whether I should do a home pregnancy test before the blood test.  I am stronger in my mind and my decisions.  Others haven't walked the path I have walked or seen the challenges I have seen through my eyes.  It isn't that each person's path doesn't have challenge, but each life path is unique and the perspective is unique to the traveler who walks down that path.  Therefore, the opinion of onlookers is only as valid as their ability to see into my soul and my heart and understand my decisions.  Those that can't are no less valid, but their opinions are just air-shallow words with no depth, no compassion.  Their words don't cause me pause or make my heart flutter with insecurity.
• I am deeper in my faith.  I don't know if I am always making the right decisions, but I know God is always in my heart, helping me through each day and supporting me and guiding me in every decision.

  

The panic before the blood test

I should be so excited to have my blood test tomorrow.  I am not.  I am having anxiety and panic about it to the extent where my heart feels like it it beating out of my chest and I might throw up.  Wait, could that be a sign that my pregnancy is still viable?  Or is it my anxiety?  I am crampy-that is a sign of miscarriage...and a sign of pregnancy.  Did I take my suppository at lunch time?  I can't remember.  Is that a sign of my anxiety or a sign of pregnancy brain?  I feel nauseous...wait, no I don't....oops, yes I do, there is that wave of nausea again...wait, where did it go?  Did I imagine it?  Are my boobs bigger?  They feel bigger-well, maybe not.  They don't hurt.  They tingled a few days ago, but nothing now.  Does that mean miscarriage is around the corner?  My own brain is driving me to insanity.

I took home pregnancy tests on Friday through Tuesday, all are pregnant...but the lines don't seem to be getting any darker.  Today, I took a test and it seemed lighter.  Of course, I took it after having a huge bottle of water and only holding my urine for about 2 hours in the middle of the day, but still, it was lighter.  Could this be a sign of the end?

I want to be pregnant.  I want to use "The Secret" but my anxiety and panic are taking over.  I am pretty sure I won't sleep tonight.  I am pretty sure I will be nauseous all day tomorrow and the minutes will drag by until they call me.  This wouldn't be the first time I have had many positive pregnancy tests only to get a call that the blood test is  negative a week later.  Maybe that is why this time I am so fanatical about repeated testing (it isn't helping to ease my anxiety, so I should just stop-but when I don't, I panic and test).

I know my anxiety isn't good for a pregnancy.  I am so excited to get so far-and terrified to be happy about it.

PREGNANT!

Well, after a week of torture of NOT testing, I broke down on Friday, which would be 9 days past my 3 day transfer.  I took a First Response Early Pregnancy test (the one that says '6 days sooner') in the middle of the night and it looked negative.  I went back to bed and cried myself to sleep.  The next morning, the test registered a very faint positive line.  I wasn't sure if it was an evaporation line so I took one Saturday afternoon and the faint positive line came up within five minutes, but it was still very faint and I again questioned whether it was an evaporation line.  Sunday morning and Monday morning, I repeated the process and each day the results came up sooner, but the line remained very faint.  Out of desperation, I had my husband pee on a stick from the same box of tests I had used to see if I got an evaporation line with his urine.  As it turns out, my husband is not pregnant and there was no evaporation line. 

Today I was feeling a little nutty about the whole thing and after reading some message boards where other ladies had suggested using a digital brand of HPT to test to eliminate the possibility of an evaporation line, I purchased an EPT digital test (the one that says you can test 5 days sooner).  I took the test in the middle of the day on what is now my 12th day past my 3 day transfer (or 15 days past retrieval or 15 days past "ovulation"). Well, it takes FOREVER for the little hourglass symbol to disappear and the results to show up, but this was the best looking pregnancy test I have ever seen! 

I have tried all week to be "very flaky" as my acupuncturist suggested. I took 2 days of strict bedrest, one day of almost complete bedrest, and then I took it very easy for the rest of the week.  I laid on the coach, read books, wrapped Christmas presents, and bypassed cleaning and all things stressful.  Several times each day I focused on my breathing, did positive visualization, and even a little yoga.  I have been exhausted every day and I have gone to bed at about 8pm each night and taken naps during the day. I have been extremely careful about my diet and stress level.  Today, I am so thankful that I did all of those things-and I am so thankful for those two little embryos that could.  I know I have a long road ahead.  I have lost pregnancies at 5 and 9 weeks and so I continue to have some anxiety.  My first Beta blood pregnancy test is Wednesday (14 days past 3 day transfer), and I a hoping for continued good news.  For today,  I will celebrate that we have made it this far.