On Friday I received the call that my hcg level had returned to "negative." I was blissfully pregnant for one week. I was told to stop all medications and wait for my period to come. The doctor is supposed to call me this week with a new plan of action.
Here is the interesting thing. I don't care about the new plan of action. Not in the apathetic, "I give up" kind of way of not caring, but more of an honest detachment from the emotion. Perhaps it is because I have had so many consecutive losses I am no longer attached to the results, or perhaps it is because with every loss I feel closer to understanding that I have another purpose that might not include more children. Or maybe it is because I haven't had time to be sad because it is Christmastime and I have other children. My job is to make their Christmas wonderful and special-I can be sad some other time.
I am not sure if I will try again. I will probably will. Right now, I am focusing on my family and the holidays. I am happy and blessed to have such a wonderful family. I am satisfied with my life. I am sad that once again, I am not pregnant, but I don't feel a hole in my life. We would love to add more children to our family, but we are whole and complete just as we are. For that reason, I feel like it would be self-indulgent to collapse into sadness.
This week, I will count my blessings. I will appreciate my children and glow in the light cast off from their brilliant exuberance. I will nestle in the crook of my husband's arm and lay my head on his shoulder, drunk on the warmth and giggles and joy. I will pray and think deeply on what to do next. But for today, I will appreciate today.
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