Reflections

This morning, I am terribly sick to my stomach.  I have cramps.  I am sure that I am getting my period.  I am sure the blood test will come back negative today and I will have lost another pregnancy.  I am desperately trying to stay positive and hopeful, but the fear sits in the corners of my brain like eternal dust that kicks up with any movement.  I am trying to be still.  I am trying to breathe. 

My husband sent me this email this morning:
Fear less, hope more,

eat less, chew more,

whine less, breathe more,

talk less, say more,

hate less, love more...

and all good things will be yours.

- Swedish Proverb

He is a wise man who knows just what I need.  I will think and pray on this today.

And, in an effort to clean out the darkness and focus on the light, I have made a list of good things that have come from this process so far:

• Even when IVF only produces two eggs, a pregnancy can occur.
• Even when the eggs look, "less than ideal", they can turn it around and receive the highest grading by the time of transfer.
• Three embryo transfers produce pregnancies.
• There is hope that 6 and 7 cell embryos produce pregnancies.
• There is evidence that IVF works for me.  Hopefully this one sticks, and if not, there is no evidence suggesting another try won't work.
• When I first found out I was pregnant right after the birth of my son, I was terrified at being a mother of four children. I was surprised and delighted.  While we weren't not trying, we weren't purposeful. It was a great excuse to shrug off the decision to have four children. When I lost the pregnancy,  I knew I wanted another one.  This process has revealed to me just how much I am willing to do for my fourth child and just how deep this desire runs.  It isn't something that happened by chance or a light wish to be brushed off.  This desire runs deep through my soul.  Now I stand strong with purpose in my decision to have four children.  It isn't something to slink away from or shrug off when people look at me with that confused look and say, "Four?  REALLY?"  Now, I can unequivocally say, "Yes! I worked damned hard to get the family of my dreams!" (those who know me know that this goes much deeper than just a fourth child)
• Challenge brings my husband and I closer together.  I am so thankful to have such a wonderful partner and friend.
• I am stronger in myself.  Others may have opinions about whether I should do IVF, whether I should try so hard, whether I should do a home pregnancy test before the blood test.  I am stronger in my mind and my decisions.  Others haven't walked the path I have walked or seen the challenges I have seen through my eyes.  It isn't that each person's path doesn't have challenge, but each life path is unique and the perspective is unique to the traveler who walks down that path.  Therefore, the opinion of onlookers is only as valid as their ability to see into my soul and my heart and understand my decisions.  Those that can't are no less valid, but their opinions are just air-shallow words with no depth, no compassion.  Their words don't cause me pause or make my heart flutter with insecurity.
• I am deeper in my faith.  I don't know if I am always making the right decisions, but I know God is always in my heart, helping me through each day and supporting me and guiding me in every decision.