Frustrated by Careless Oversight

Yesterday I was sitting at dinner with my in-laws when I got a call from Freedom Fertility Pharmacy.  The very chipper girl talked in such a high sing-songy voice that I had to ask her three times to repeat herself. Finally, I understood that my medications for my new treatment would not be shipped today, as planned, because Ganirelex cannot be used by people with a latex allergy.  I am a little miffed pissed.  I thought I was supposed to be getting top of the line treatment by one of the best fertility specialists.  Yet, when I told the doctor that I don't manage birth control pills well, I was given the "option" to not take them, with the very thick undercurrent of "but if it doesn't work out, it is definitely your fault, you ridiculously silly woman who thinks she has all the knowledge of a doctor because she can work the Internet."  I agreed to take birth control pills to start the next treatment, and we changed our plan to use the maximum amount of stimulants (Gonal-F and Menopur) before starting Ganirelex to prevent ovulation.  It says in my chart, in very big stamped red letters, LATEX ALLERGY.  So how is it that I was prescribed a treatment plan that includes a medication that can't be used on patients with a latex allergy?  I feel like chattel being pushed and prodded along with all the other infertile women. When I stop and protest, I get a swift shock to remind me that I am not a woman trying to have a baby, but merely one of a million cows being corralled through the master slaughter house of fertility specialists.  I feel like the more "treatment" I get, the further I get from my natural fertility.  I was apathetic about starting this new IVF treatment cycle, and now I am feeling ready to quit it all. I am ready to move on with my life without ever becoming a mother of four.  I am ready to stop-but then I look at my husband and I go on.  I know how much he wants this and I have never been a quitter, and so I won't quit now.  Being a fighter has had it's benefits in life, but now I feel like I am just banging my head against a brick wall.  I am frustrated.  I am angry.

Throwing Away New Year's Resolutions

This time of year is my favorite time of year.  Not only is Christmas my favorite holiday, but because I work in the school system, I get a vacation between Christmas and New Year’s Day.  During this week every year, I play with my children, nap, cook, read, and engage in my guiltiest pleasure-morning news television.  The morning news programs tell me why my winter coat is no longer in style, what those crazy  Kardashian sisters are up to now, which movies I must see, and how to turn leftover Christmas dinner into quiche.  However, there is also a darker side to watching morning news television during this week.  This is the week in which the segments are filled with tips regarding New Year’s resolutions.  Each day I learn how to do more with my money, get fit, and eat healthier.  I watch segments on how to be a better parent, a more dedicated employee, and a more responsible citizen.

 What is wrong with all these tips?  Well, in short, they make us feel lousy about ourselves.  Even the term “resolutions” makes me cringe.  Just the act of making a resolution sends a message that we are broken and must be fixed. When we feel incomplete, it changes who we are, how we look at the world, and how we interact with others.  We exhaust ourselves trying to hide our flaws, appear perfect to the outside world, and find the cure for our hideous imperfections.   Every year, most Americans make a resolution, and every year by February, most Americans have already broken those resolutions.  We feel terrible for being such weak and horrible individuals and we spend the rest of the year silently whipping ourselves for our weaknesses, only to begin the crazy cycle again next year.  Why do we do this to ourselves?

I am calling for the end of New Year’s Resolutions and the beginning of New Year’s Celebrations.  We should celebrate that which is beautiful, special, unique, and ordinary about ourselves.  Instead of looking ahead or lamenting the past, we should be still in the moment.  Sit quietly.  Take in all that surrounds us, all that is within us. We should embrace ourselves, our scars, our soft bellies, and our crinkled eyes- for those scars are trophies of that which have made us strong, our soft bellies reflect time we spent lingering over meals with our friends and family, and every line etched around our eyes tells our story of joy or sorrow.  Instead of resolving to change, we should resolve to first love ourselves as whole individuals, perfect and unique, ordinary and rare.  Wrapped up in all our quirks and “imperfections,” we are whole, we are worthy, we are special.   So I raise a glass and toast to you, for all that you are is all that you need to be in this moment.  Happy New Year!

Zero isn't nothing

On Friday I received the call that my hcg level had returned to "negative." I was blissfully pregnant for one week. I was told to stop all medications and wait for my period to come. The doctor is supposed to call me this week with a new plan of action. 

Here is the interesting thing.  I don't care about the new plan of action.  Not in the apathetic, "I give up" kind of way of not caring, but more of an honest detachment from the emotion.  Perhaps it is because I have had so many consecutive losses I am no longer attached to the results, or perhaps it is because with every loss I feel closer to understanding that I have another purpose that might not include more children.  Or maybe it is because I haven't had time to be sad because it is Christmastime and I have other children.  My job is to make their Christmas wonderful and special-I can be sad some other time.

I am not sure if I will try again.  I will probably will.  Right now, I am focusing on my family and the holidays.  I am happy and blessed to have such a wonderful family.  I am satisfied with my life.  I am sad that once again, I am not pregnant, but I don't feel a hole in my life.  We would love to add more children to our family, but we are whole and complete just as we are.  For that reason,  I feel like it would be self-indulgent to collapse into sadness.

This week, I will count my blessings.  I will appreciate my children and glow in the light cast off from their brilliant exuberance.  I will nestle in the crook of my husband's arm and lay my head on his shoulder, drunk on the warmth and giggles and joy. I will pray and think deeply on what to do next. But for today, I will appreciate today.

Wordle of My Blog

Here is a wordle I created by entering my blog URL.  I love wordles because it shows patterns in language, and I believe language is so important. Language not only reflects our thoughts and state of mind, but shapes it as well.  Want to change your outlook on life? Pay very close attention to the words you choose and choose more positive, less extreme words and phrases.  I have often noticed that people who speak in extremes often see the world as black and white.  This may not be bad if you are in the white, but what happens when you fall into the black? If you want to challenge yourself, take recent emails to friends, facebook pages, or journal writings and enter into a wordle program and see what you come up with.  What do your word choices look like?  How are your words impacting your outlook on life? How is it impacting your ability to move forward and make the most of life?

Recently my struggles with IVF, infertility and miscarriage have dominated my blog and the language reflects those topics.  I sat for a minute and thought carefully on my wordle.  There are a lot of emotions in my writing of hope, sadness and possibility.  I do a lot of thinking, writing, and feeling.  There weren't any words like "give up", "dejected", "hopeless."  While this period in my life is most certainly marked with sadness, frustration, and medical treatments, I continue to have words of positivity, family, and goodness.  This gives me perspective and helps me see that I am able to be more than this fight for a fourth child.  I am full of life, full of heart, full of family, full of possibility.  I am. (and that is all I need to be).

Exhale through the Limbo

14.  That was my HCG number yesterday.  14.  I am now two weeks past my 3 day transfer and they expect the numbers to be over 100 and my was 14.  Of course, I found out minutes before a meeting and has to sit through a meeting sniffling and wiping tears away.  Luckily, it is also cold season, so someone thought I just had a terrible cold.  The others were not fooled.    My heart broke, my spirits sank.  I was so close, yet again.  I can't begin to explain the despair and sadness over being told that once again, I was going to lose pregnancy.

I went to my acupuncturist in a frenetic mess.  He helped to calm me down and said I was, in fact, pregnant.  While he couldn't tell whether the pregnancy would last, for the minute I was pregnant and I should continue to be calm and peaceful and wait and see what happens.  His perspective was that nature will take care of itself and we don't know what those outcomes will be, but maybe the numbers are wrong-maybe the baby is a slow starter-maybe a lot of things. Stress would only harm the baby's chance of surviving, so I should be calm.  By the time I left, I was still feeling so sad, but more calm. 

Today, I am trying to be positive and calm.  I am trying, but the tears just keep flowing.  It feels like pretending for the next two days only puts of the inevitable.  However, what is the harm in thinking positively, doing yoga, and staying peaceful?  If it doesn't work out, at least I won't have whipped myself into a frenzy and if it does work out, maybe the positivity worked.

So for right now, I am once again in limbo.  Once again waiting, praying, and hoping for positive results.  I need to make a change.  Since beginning this process of having another child two years ago, too much of my life has been spent waiting, holding my breath, looking forward to dates in the future. Too much time has been spent in sadness over loss and even more time mourning something that never was.  In the meantime, the seconds, minutes, and days are passing me by.  I am losing time in sadness-losing time in waiting-losing time in daydreaming about something that may never be.  I have a beautiful family and I am blessed.  There is never a time when I am not thankful for my children or the life I lead-and yet my life feels like that second when you hold your breath and tense your body, bracing for the great surprise or protection from another blow.  I have put travel, career, and other things on hold while I hold my breath and brace myself.  It is exhausting and pointless.  I need to exhale.  I need to breathe through the moment.  I need to breathe through the day. But for now, I am still sad with a touch of residual hope.

Reflections

This morning, I am terribly sick to my stomach.  I have cramps.  I am sure that I am getting my period.  I am sure the blood test will come back negative today and I will have lost another pregnancy.  I am desperately trying to stay positive and hopeful, but the fear sits in the corners of my brain like eternal dust that kicks up with any movement.  I am trying to be still.  I am trying to breathe. 

My husband sent me this email this morning:
Fear less, hope more,

eat less, chew more,

whine less, breathe more,

talk less, say more,

hate less, love more...

and all good things will be yours.

- Swedish Proverb

He is a wise man who knows just what I need.  I will think and pray on this today.

And, in an effort to clean out the darkness and focus on the light, I have made a list of good things that have come from this process so far:

• Even when IVF only produces two eggs, a pregnancy can occur.
• Even when the eggs look, "less than ideal", they can turn it around and receive the highest grading by the time of transfer.
• Three embryo transfers produce pregnancies.
• There is hope that 6 and 7 cell embryos produce pregnancies.
• There is evidence that IVF works for me.  Hopefully this one sticks, and if not, there is no evidence suggesting another try won't work.
• When I first found out I was pregnant right after the birth of my son, I was terrified at being a mother of four children. I was surprised and delighted.  While we weren't not trying, we weren't purposeful. It was a great excuse to shrug off the decision to have four children. When I lost the pregnancy,  I knew I wanted another one.  This process has revealed to me just how much I am willing to do for my fourth child and just how deep this desire runs.  It isn't something that happened by chance or a light wish to be brushed off.  This desire runs deep through my soul.  Now I stand strong with purpose in my decision to have four children.  It isn't something to slink away from or shrug off when people look at me with that confused look and say, "Four?  REALLY?"  Now, I can unequivocally say, "Yes! I worked damned hard to get the family of my dreams!" (those who know me know that this goes much deeper than just a fourth child)
• Challenge brings my husband and I closer together.  I am so thankful to have such a wonderful partner and friend.
• I am stronger in myself.  Others may have opinions about whether I should do IVF, whether I should try so hard, whether I should do a home pregnancy test before the blood test.  I am stronger in my mind and my decisions.  Others haven't walked the path I have walked or seen the challenges I have seen through my eyes.  It isn't that each person's path doesn't have challenge, but each life path is unique and the perspective is unique to the traveler who walks down that path.  Therefore, the opinion of onlookers is only as valid as their ability to see into my soul and my heart and understand my decisions.  Those that can't are no less valid, but their opinions are just air-shallow words with no depth, no compassion.  Their words don't cause me pause or make my heart flutter with insecurity.
• I am deeper in my faith.  I don't know if I am always making the right decisions, but I know God is always in my heart, helping me through each day and supporting me and guiding me in every decision.

  

The panic before the blood test

I should be so excited to have my blood test tomorrow.  I am not.  I am having anxiety and panic about it to the extent where my heart feels like it it beating out of my chest and I might throw up.  Wait, could that be a sign that my pregnancy is still viable?  Or is it my anxiety?  I am crampy-that is a sign of miscarriage...and a sign of pregnancy.  Did I take my suppository at lunch time?  I can't remember.  Is that a sign of my anxiety or a sign of pregnancy brain?  I feel nauseous...wait, no I don't....oops, yes I do, there is that wave of nausea again...wait, where did it go?  Did I imagine it?  Are my boobs bigger?  They feel bigger-well, maybe not.  They don't hurt.  They tingled a few days ago, but nothing now.  Does that mean miscarriage is around the corner?  My own brain is driving me to insanity.

I took home pregnancy tests on Friday through Tuesday, all are pregnant...but the lines don't seem to be getting any darker.  Today, I took a test and it seemed lighter.  Of course, I took it after having a huge bottle of water and only holding my urine for about 2 hours in the middle of the day, but still, it was lighter.  Could this be a sign of the end?

I want to be pregnant.  I want to use "The Secret" but my anxiety and panic are taking over.  I am pretty sure I won't sleep tonight.  I am pretty sure I will be nauseous all day tomorrow and the minutes will drag by until they call me.  This wouldn't be the first time I have had many positive pregnancy tests only to get a call that the blood test is  negative a week later.  Maybe that is why this time I am so fanatical about repeated testing (it isn't helping to ease my anxiety, so I should just stop-but when I don't, I panic and test).

I know my anxiety isn't good for a pregnancy.  I am so excited to get so far-and terrified to be happy about it.

PREGNANT!

Well, after a week of torture of NOT testing, I broke down on Friday, which would be 9 days past my 3 day transfer.  I took a First Response Early Pregnancy test (the one that says '6 days sooner') in the middle of the night and it looked negative.  I went back to bed and cried myself to sleep.  The next morning, the test registered a very faint positive line.  I wasn't sure if it was an evaporation line so I took one Saturday afternoon and the faint positive line came up within five minutes, but it was still very faint and I again questioned whether it was an evaporation line.  Sunday morning and Monday morning, I repeated the process and each day the results came up sooner, but the line remained very faint.  Out of desperation, I had my husband pee on a stick from the same box of tests I had used to see if I got an evaporation line with his urine.  As it turns out, my husband is not pregnant and there was no evaporation line. 

Today I was feeling a little nutty about the whole thing and after reading some message boards where other ladies had suggested using a digital brand of HPT to test to eliminate the possibility of an evaporation line, I purchased an EPT digital test (the one that says you can test 5 days sooner).  I took the test in the middle of the day on what is now my 12th day past my 3 day transfer (or 15 days past retrieval or 15 days past "ovulation"). Well, it takes FOREVER for the little hourglass symbol to disappear and the results to show up, but this was the best looking pregnancy test I have ever seen! 

I have tried all week to be "very flaky" as my acupuncturist suggested. I took 2 days of strict bedrest, one day of almost complete bedrest, and then I took it very easy for the rest of the week.  I laid on the coach, read books, wrapped Christmas presents, and bypassed cleaning and all things stressful.  Several times each day I focused on my breathing, did positive visualization, and even a little yoga.  I have been exhausted every day and I have gone to bed at about 8pm each night and taken naps during the day. I have been extremely careful about my diet and stress level.  Today, I am so thankful that I did all of those things-and I am so thankful for those two little embryos that could.  I know I have a long road ahead.  I have lost pregnancies at 5 and 9 weeks and so I continue to have some anxiety.  My first Beta blood pregnancy test is Wednesday (14 days past 3 day transfer), and I a hoping for continued good news.  For today,  I will celebrate that we have made it this far.

The little eggs that could

Day one: We got the call that even though we only retrieved two eggs, both eggs fertilized. 
Day two: We got a call from the nurse in the morning saying that both eggs were "cleaving" nicely and we had one two cell embryo and one 3 cell embryo, and the expectation was to have between 2 and 4 cells.  I was on cloud nine.  Later, the doctor called and said that in the best case, she would like to see a four cell embryo with less than 10% fragmentation.  We had one embryo that was 3 cells with less than 5% fragmentation and a  2 cell embryo with less than 15% fragmentation.  She was hesitant about how the embryos would progress and said that she thought I would have "one fair and one poor" embryo to transfer on day three.
Day three:  The doctor performing the transfer let us know that embryos are graded as good, fair, and poor and we had two "good" embryos to implant.  One embryo was 6 cells and the other was 7 cells.

I wanted to jump up and down and do a dance, but my bladder was so full in preparation for the transfer that I had to dance in spirit only.  Today, two embryos were transferred.  I never thought we would make it to this point.  I know that there is still over a 60% chance that this doesn't work, but I feel like I just won the Superbowl.  This is the closest we have been to a successful pregnancy in a long time. 

I visited my acupuncturist yesterday and determined that I need to go see him more often, and I need to adopt his mindful flow.  He suggested that I visualize being pregnant and I act pregnant.  He said to "be a flake" for the next two weeks and don't do anything that stresses me out, take some days off work, and otherwise let everything go.  He reminded me to breathe, rest, walk in nature, and eat well.  I have been afraid to be excited or hopeful, I didn't want to visualize because it seems so painful to have hope and then have hope squashed.  He reminded me that the pain is there no matter what and I have to live with intention while simultaneously surrendering to God.  He told me not to run from the emotion, but to breathe into it and ride it through, acknowledging it without becoming attached to it.  I am so glad I went to see him the day before my transfer.  It was just the hope, refocusing, and calming influence I needed.

Now I am on strict bed rest for twenty-four hours and then modified bed rest for another 24 hours and only light activity for several days after that.  As I lay on the couch now, writing this blog, I am excited to rest, excited to read, excited to dream and hope that these two little embryos develop into healthy babies.

We cleared the first hurdle

I just got a call from my nurse at the fertility clinic.  Even though I only got two measly eggs from my IVF egg retrieval yesterday, both of those eggs were mature and both fertilized!  I understand that studies indicate that close to 50% of fertilized embryos do not make it to pregnancy.  I understand that even if those two little fertilized eggs make it to transfer day, they still may not implant.  I understand that even if they do implant, they may not turn into healthy babies.  I have had two miscarriages, I am aware that I will likely not breathe until I see a healthy strong heartbeat after 12 weeks...but for today, I am going to tuck that all away.  Today, I am going to gloat.  Today, I have two little eggs...correction, today I have two little embryos.

It takes two to make a thing go right

Two years of trying.  Two miscarriages.  Two failed IUIs.  Two months of an IVF procedure.  Two weeks of shots. And today, Two Eggs.  After all that, two eggs.  My first IUI on Clomid, I had two eggs.  My second IUI, I had three to four eggs.  Today, after the maximum dosage of fertility medications for almost two weeks, I had two eggs retrieved.  Tomorrow I will learn if they fertilized.  I would like to write about how I feel, but frankly, I am too tired, too dejected, too disappointed, too sore, too hollow, and too everything else to write it down.  Let's just hope that Rob Base was right~

No More Shots!

Whew...I have finally made it.  No more shots (for now).  I got three phone calls yesterday from the fertility center making sure I understood all my directions for the HCG trigger shot.  While most people don't have to continue their medication, I was told that I needed to give myself one last shot of the Menopur and Gonal-F.  Now, here comes for the funny part of all of this.  My entire family attended a football game yesterday, myself included.  I had to take my last shots of stimulants at 6:30pm and my trigger shot at 8pm. 

We arrived to the stadium at 6:30pm.  Everyone hopped out of the car and I scurried around to the other side so no one could see me, unzipped my pants, looked around in that shady, nervous, drug addict type of way, and quickly gave myself my last two shots.  Once we got in the stadium, my husband and I missed the action of the first quarter because we were whispering back and forth about where we could do the trigger shot at 8pm.  It is the only shot I needed him to help me with, and we just so happened to be in a place with absolutely no privacy and a strict no re-entry policy, so we couldn't even take a trip back to the car. 

Starting at 7:30, my husband asked police officers and other staff if there was any place we could have some privacy to administer the shot.  He stood in line at the concession stand and when the guy asked what my husband wanted, I saw my husband lean in and whisper to him...and then the man looked horrified and ran away to get a female worker.  She walked over to my husband, who again leaned in an explained the situation.  She gave the same look and walked away to check with someone else.  The concession stand was swarming with people and those working the stand were flying around as fast as possible trying to serve people, and we were holding up the line.  I was sure we were going to cause a riot.  The woman very nicely offered to escort us to the woman's bathroom where we could use the handicapped stall.  On the way in, a police officer confronted my husband, thinking he was a pervert trying to peek in the ladies room. 

We rushed into the stall and immediately began fumbling with the materials.  First we had to mix the shot.  It wasn't so easy with no clean surfaces.  We balanced on each other and tried to move as quickly as possible, but this was our first experience with this shot, and we wanted to get it right. Because the needle was so long, it took several tries to extract the liquid from the vial without getting mostly air.  We were whispering to each other and scurrying about while women chattered on about lipstick and shouted about nothing important in the neighboring stalls; I couldn't help but feel like I had stumbled into the underbelly of some nightclub.  Once the shot was ready, I had to disrobe enough for my husband to administer the shot, which was quite a feat given that I had on a dozen layers of clothing to keep warm, and again-no clean surfaces to put the discarded clothes.  I clenched my jacket between my knees and fumbled with  my pants, Under Armour tights, and underwear trying to expose the upper part of my backside.

My husband never gave me a signal that he was ready to give the shot, he just plunged in.  At first I flinched because I wasn't expecting it, but there was no pain and no burning.  In just seconds, it was over.  This isn't the usual way pregnancies are started in public bathroom stalls, but it felt momentous all the same.  I wanted to have a toast, a long kiss, something to mark the occasion, but we had no time to waste celebrating because the poor woman was still sitting outside of the stall, waiting to escort us out of the bathroom.  I zipped up quickly, panties twisted and bunched under my tights and made a quick escape. My poor husband had to endure the stares of horrified women as we left the stall.  Seconds later, we were back on the sidelines watching the game as if nothing had happened.  All in all, it was a fairly easy shot-no pain, no burning.  I just hope we did it right. 

Tomorrow we have to be at the fertility center at 6:30am for our 8:00am egg retrieval.  Today I celebrated with sushi.  I hope it is the last sushi I will have for many, many months.

Black Friday, Green Light

On Thursday (Thanksgiving Day) my follicles were 16mm, 16mm, and 10mm.  My E2 number was 425.  According to some research, E2 numbers should be at 150-200 per follicle in order to indicate a mature egg.  I was told to continue medications as usual and return at 8am on Friday morning for further monitoring.  Every day I hold my breath and hope my cycle doesn't get cancelled.

This morning, Black Friday, I got my good news.  In just 24 hours, my two larger follicles grew from 16mm to 20mm. Typical growth is from 1 to 3mm per day, so my eggs must be over-achievers (that or they just feel bad for my pin cushion stomach and decided to save me a few more days of injections).  The technician didn't even measure the other smaller follicle.  I was told to wait for the nurse, who would be providing me with information on administering my HCG trigger shot this evening.  As of now, I will go in for my egg retrieval Sunday morning.  My follicle numbers seem very low and I am happy that I will be allowed to continue with the cycle.  I am concerned that I have had some fluid in my uterus which may impact implantation (if any eggs reach that point).  I have been told not to worry.  These lovely ladies at Shady Grove Fertility Center obviously don't know me. 

Right now is the calm before the storm.  I am not worried about the trigger shot or the retrieval.  I am bummed I will miss my nephew's birthday party, but we have waited so long for this moment, I would miss anything to have this opportunity.  I don't feel anxious or sad or nervous.  At this point, I can't do anything else except wait and hope for good results.  It is so relieving to finally be at this point.  It feels good to breathe.  It feels good to relax. I might even take a nap.

More disappointing news

injection bruising

Today I went in for my IVF monitoring appointment after being on eight days of stimulation medication, 10 days of shots.  Today, they only saw three measurable follicles at 8mm, 12mm, and 13 mm, which is down from four follicles seen just two days ago.  The call from my nurse indicated that cancelling the cycle is possible because of such a poor response.  I have to go back on Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, for more monitoring.  If the smaller follicle hasn't caught up by then, or if other follicles don't show up, it is likely that my cycle will be cancelled.  I asked about increasing medication to make the other follicles pop and I was told that I am on the maximum dosage of IVF medications and the meds can't be increased any more.  The nurse is very surprised at my poor response because my antral follicle count (the amount of little "possible" eggs measured before starting IVF) has always been decent and I should have had better follicle growth.   The nurse believes the treatment may have "over-suppressed" my ovaries.  I hate it say it, but I am not surprised.  I warned the nurse and the doctor before I started birth control pills that I don't respond well to birth control.  I not only have terrible side effects, but it seems to take months for them to get out of my system once stopped.  I am exhausted.  I am tired of being sad, tired of disappointment, tired of crying, tired of not sleeping, tired of shots, tired of bruising from blood draws and shots, and just plain tired. Every morning I wake up and try to focus on the positive and with every monitoring appointment, I am hopeful that things have turned around.  The fall from possibility to reality hurts more every day.  I am bruised and sore and aching-in my heart, in my body, and in my mind.

And the hits just keep comin'

So I went for my first monitoring appointment on Friday.  I was hoping that after several days of multiple shots, I would see eight to ten follicles, as suggested by my doctor. That number is lower than they would like, but still enough to have IVF.  I had four.  I was so dissapointed that it took all of my energy to hold back tears until I got to the car, at which point I let go and cried all the way to work.  Four.  Four is borderline for cancelling a cycle or switching to IUI, which I already know doesn't work for me.  I got it together for work, but continued to stand on the line between "together" and "sobbing uncontrollably" all day.  I wanted to go home and crawl into bed, and might have taken that option if I didn't have to make a presentation to fifty people, including several of the big guns, at the end of the day.  I called my nurse and left a message telling her how upset I was.  While we didn't connect in person, her voicemail back to me was very reassuring.  She said that the birth control pills may still be suppressing my ovaries and they fully expect to see more follicles pop by my follow-up appointment on Sunday.  She also said that my estrogen was low (64) and they were increasing my dosage, which seems impossible given how much medication I am already taking.  So, I increased meds and crossed my fingers for better results on Sunday. She also said, "we don't want to see one follicle get bigger than the rest, so it's good that they are all developing together."

Today is Sunday and this morning I went in for my second monitoring appointment.  First, there was still only four follicles and second, one is measurable and the rest aren't-so it seems that one is growing faster than the others.  Needless to say, I cried all the way home. With every appointment, I get more discouraged. I  am so mad at my body and so frustrated that it isn't working.  I am frustrated that my stomach is covered in tiny bruises and pin pricks, I have constant headaches, my face is breaking out, and I feel bloated and gross all the time, and yet, I only have four follicles. I am also really struggling with coming to terms that my fertile days are behind me and I am not entering the "grandma" phase of life.  I am only 38, way too young for menopause, and yet, my body is sending me the message that it is right around the corner.  I have never minded aging.  I got gray hair at a young age, I have some wrinkles, and my body doesn't look like a 24 year old's body.  I have always been okay with gentle aging.  This feels different.  This feels like a club to the head.  I am so sad.  Now is the waiting game.  The nurse should call later with the results and future plans.  I don't know what to expect, so I will just wait and see.

Sunday night: I went outside for two seconds, and of course, missed the phone call from the doctor's office.  The message said my estrogen level was 134 and I should continue the meds and have another monitoring appointment in two days.  I can't help but think that this number seems incredibly low.  I guess I will wait and see.

Lessons learned: I am not a fan of this process.                          

I woke up this morning and felt pretty good about myself.  I got dressed and looked at myself in the mirror and thought I looked great. I felt less bloated than I have in a long time and my face seemed to have returned after it's brief debut in the Macy's parade. My backside even seemed smaller. I strutted through the day feeling full of myself.  I had a brief period of panic when I wondered if I was administering the medication correctly because I wasn't feeling full and bloated.  Other than some headaches, a few hot flashes, and injection soreness and bruising, I have been feeling pretty good.  I spent about two minutes worrying about whether I had any eggs and if they were growing, and then I moved on because I had things to do.  Thank goodness for work. Without it, I would spend too much time surfing the Internet and obsessing about this whole process.

At the end of the day, a work colleague asked me if I was pregnant because I looked fat in my face and round around the middle. The smile on my big fat float face instantly deflated. I don't know what hurt more-being called fat or being called pregnant and wanting it to be true so badly.  I should have skipped dinner and worked out.  Instead, I went home and made gluten free pizza and stuffed my face.  I then did three loads of laundry, picked up the house, checked the kids homework, and put everyone to bed before sinking into the sofa in a big, round, squishy ball of self-loathing for about three minutes before it was time to return to the other things on my "To Do" list.  I could be mad at my colleague, but I'm not because she's right. By the end of the day, my stomach had puffed up and I felt bloated and sore.

Bottom line is that I have a love/hate relationship being fat and squishy, bloated and sore.  It means the medications are working, and I love that.  I also hate looking like a moose all the time. I have cleaned up my diet and added walking a few times a week to my schedule, so I know the added fullness is related to the medication and so I refuse to be too mean to myself, at least for the time being.

Lessons learned so far: I am more capable than I thought when it comes to giving myself shots.  I am getting quick and fluent with the mixing and administering of all the medications. I even administered the shots in the public bathroom at my daughter's lacrosse game last night  .I am surprising myself.   I am also being much nicer to myself than I ever have been before.  For the first time, I am trying to give myself a break.  I am trying to embrace all that I am, including my "flaws" of not being physically perfect. I am resting when I am tired, crying when I feel sad, and not beating myself up later for being weak or less than perfect.  IVF stinks, but it has it's benefits.  Whether or not we ever have a baby, maybe I will learn to like myself more, flaws and all.

And We're Off...

I have successfully completed two days of Lupron shots, 20 microunits in the morning and evening...yay me!  I am not thrilled about needles, and really not thrilled about having to poke myself, but I did it.  The first shot was not so bad.  I made my husband look over my shoulder to make sure I was doing it correctly, but in just a few seconds, I had given myself my first shot, and it didn't even hurt.  The sensation of the needle breaking the skin is odd, but there was no pain.  After the shot, I had an itching and burning sensation at the spot for a little bit, but it was not a big deal.  The interesting part was that thirty minutes after the shot, I started to have some menstrual bleeding.  It subsided throughout the day and then shortly after my second shot, the same thing happened.  I also had some intestinal issues the first day.  I am not sure if it was from the shot or because I chose to reward my efforts with some comfort food that maybe didn't quite agree with me.



Evening Injections

The second day of the shots, I  felt like an old pro.  The morning shot hurt more; I think the needle may have been a tad bit dull.  I experienced the same burning and itching sensation, but no other side effects.  I am still bleeding, but I am starting to think this is nature and not a side effect of the shot.  By the evening shot, I was such an old pro that I was able to rush upstairs to my bathroom and give myself a shot while dinner guests were getting ready to be seated in my dining room below.  About half way through dinner, I started to get a headache.  By the end of the night, my head was splitting, with a lot of pain around my eyes.  It could have be a side effect of the medicine, but it is more likely that I was winding myself up about having to give myself FIVE shots the next day.  While I was feeling confident about two, five felt closer to a thousand than to zero.  The headache continued all night and the next morning.  I also am on the verge of tears all the time, but again, I am not sure if it my body's response to stress, or a side effect of the hormones.  Even as I am writing this, I can feel the tears brimming just under the surface.  Fighting off the emotions makes me tired, which of course, leads to tears.  It's a vicious cycle.

This morning, I added 225m of Gonal-F to my regimen.  The needles seem to be hurting more with every treatment.  I am not sure if my brain is catching on, or if my skin is just getting more sensitive.  I am now a pro at the Lupron shot.  I tried to put the needle in one area and it hurt, but a slight movement of the needle to a new spot and all went well.  The Gonal-F is a pen.  I hate the pen.  It seems easier in theory, but pushing in the plunger is much more difficult with the pen, causing the needle to wiggle under the skin which leads to some minor discomfort.  The plunger clicks at set intervals of medicine to indicate how much is being injected.  The clicks are unnerving and makes me feel like the injection is a much bigger deal than it is.  Once the injection is finished, the needle must remain for a few seconds to make sure all the medicine gets under the skin. I hate this too.  I would really love to get the needle out as quickly as possible.  The needle is very thin and tiny and so it doesn't hurt, but the wiggling and waiting isn't great.  It's the same burning during injection, but less itching.  I still have a terrible headache and my eyes hurt to move around in my head, but again, it is likely that I have stressed myself into a migraine and the headache really has nothing to do with the medicine.

Tonight I will add Menopur to the Lupron and Gonal-F shots.  This is the shot I am most dreading.  There is lots of mixing and I am nervous to do it wrong. 

Here is what I know so far-I can give myself shots.  The needles are tiny and barely hurt, or only hurt a little.  Even though they are tiny, they are hurting more every day, so I need to get my head in the game. Anyone can do anything for a short amount of time, and I have managed must worse.  Finally, I would hate to be diabetic and have to do this all the time, so I think I will actually try to add more vegetables to my diet and walk more...for real this time.

Phase One Complete

I was in the middle of a blogging rant about my excitement about being finished with birth control pills when my computer shut down for no good reason. My immediate response was to throw the computer across the room and fall into a puddle of tears on the floor.  Right now, everything seems difficult.  Of course, it could be the perfect storm of a very busy and stressful time at work, the introduction of the holiday season, lack of sleep, hormone fluctuations, a little family chaos, and a few other things sprinkled in....or it could be that I am a total nut case on birth control pills.  I vote for option two.  I am frustrated that I am a bloated, overly emotional woman with no libido. I hate looking at my fat face and puffy tummy every morning.  I am frustrated that I know this is hormone related and I can't control it-it is just one more thing about my body that I can't control.

 But today, I took my last birth control pill.  Words cannot express how thankful I am that this phase of IVF is finished.  Of course, this isn't the worst phase.  I know there are more hormones to come in massive doses.  I have been stressed out all week about giving myself shots.  I am not thrilled about the needles, but the needles aren't what scare me.  I am terrified to mix the medicines wrong or forget to get rid of air bubble and somehow kill myself or zap my ovaries forever.  I am terrified to go through all of this to have the cycle be stopped because I don't get enough eggs, or because they are poor quality.  I am afraid of it working, afraid of it not working.  Every time I have foolishly convinced myself that I don't want another baby, I have to spend time with a pregnant woman or a newborn, which leads to me crying silently into my pillow.  It is pathetic and weak, and I hate that about myself.  Mostly, I hate that my hard work and perseverance isn't resulting in a win for me.

Almost There

It is hard to believe that I have been on the birth control pills for two weeks already.  Just one more week and I start the dreaded five shots a day. I am looking forward to the shots just so I can get off the pill.  I am watching myself bloat up like a balloon, despite the fact that I have been SO CAREFUL about my diet and water intake. I have had heavy breakthrough bleeding and clotting for a week, headaches daily for months (due to all the IUI hormones and now BCP hormones), and my blood boils at the slightest little thing.  I am aware of my irritation and it takes a lot of energy to keep my emotions in check, especially at work, which leaves me exhausted by the end of the night.  I would like to apologize in advance to anyone I may snap at in the next few weeks.  I wish my body handled hormones better, but my poor interactions with birth control date back to my very first experiences as a teenager.  The good news is that I know that I am only trying IVF two, maybe three, times and so all these side effects are time limited in the grand sceme of things.

We have a friend who's wife did IVF and they recently had twin girls very prematurely.  I have been watching the pictures on Facebook every day as they get bigger and healthier.  Yesterday, their feeding tubes were removed for the first time.  I think they are a little over a month old. They are still in the hospital, which would make me so sad, but they look healthy and beautiful.  It gives me some peace to see that they were so little and they are doing so well now.  One of my biggest fears about IVF is the possibility of twins.  All of my children were born close to 4 weeks early as singletons and so I am terrified what that would mean for the health of twins....plus, it's twins, YIKES!  Of course, at this point, we would feel so blessed with whatever gifts God gave us.

I am sure this next week will fly by.  This time next week I will be at my monitoring appointment, hopefully getting ready to get this whole thing rolling. 

On Your Mark....

I have been absent on my blog recently, and for good reason.  I did some writing over the summer and then jumped back into fall full force with two new graduate courses, a busy work life, and the usual family chaos.  When I started writing this blog, it was to track the journey of the unexpected expansion of my family.  As you may know, that journey ended in sadness.  I have written about the start of our process to expand our family.  Since then, I have had two unsuccessful IUI treatments and I am now preparing to start my IVF treatments.  And that is why I am back, writing.  I want to be able to remember, to reflect, to process. 

So let's start from the beginning.  After two unsuccessful IUI's, I  met with my doctor and had preliminary tests completed.  Soon after, I received the call that I was all set to begin my IVF treatment cycle.  I went on birth control pills, which is tough for me because I don't handle hormones well.  They tend to make me a complete nut case who flies off the handle for no good reason.  Other than a brief period of agitation at my husband and a ridiculous outburst in response to my children fighting, I am handling it pretty well (of course, you may want to ask my family-they may disagree).

I received a call from the pharmacy reviewing the prescriptions to be shipped to my house.  Now, the doctor had given me some idea of what was in store for me, but she didn't give me specifics because she didn't know until my preliminary tests were complete.  When the pharmacy called, they gave me a list so long that I immediately flew into panic mode.  Just like all new crazed IVF patients, I immediately turned to the internet to Google my prescriptions and my treatment plan.  I lost a half a day to pointless surfing and worrying.  I have found that throughout this process, I have to be very careful how much time I allow myself to surf or read books on the topic.  I am the kind of person who loves information, but it can also make me cross-eyed and crazy if I am not careful to keep it in check.  I have actually limited myself to 3 books on IVF and limited internet surfing to no more than three hits a day.  When my shots start, I will stop surfing all together.  My goal with this cycle is to be as holistic as possible, so I am spending more time researching nutrition, meditation, and other techniques to help me stay focused on how I can relax and prepare.

Days after the pharmacy called, my husband and I attended a two hour injection class with another lovely, albeit neurotic patient.  The other patient was a nurse by trade, but her nervousness made me edgy. Shouldn't a nurse think this type of thing is old hat?  The teacher had a little too much bubble and giggle in her voice, but she was nice and showed us how to mix medicines and prepare needles while the nervous nelly nurse whined and squirmed.   I, being the excellent student that I am, tried to block her out and pay attention.  I made my husband take notes while I willed my brain to burn all the information provided into a special "do not delete" file.  At times it almost seemed too much.  Take this needle and get the liquid from this vile and then push it into a vile with powder and then twist to mix...never shake...then extract the liquid with the needle and push it into another vile of powder and mix again before extracting into the needle...then switch the needle before injecting-be sure to swab everything with alcohol before anything touches anything and flick to get out all the air bubbles.  Oh, and the amounts are different in your morning and evening injections, so be sure not to get confused or you could ruin your whole treatment...and then get ready because you still have two more shots you have to prepare. The whole time, the neurotic nurse whimpered. The Type A part of my personality wanted another run through before leaving the class, but the rest of me was trying to escape the presence of the neurotic nurse.  I left and took a breath, convincing myself that I was competent enough to handle five shots a day.

Saturday morning the FEDEX delivery man dropped off a huge box filled with my prescriptions.  There were dozens upon dozens of needles in different sizes, three different types of pills, a supply of suppositories, a trigger shot, and three different types of medications that I will have to give to myself as injections for about two weeks.  I will have to give myself two injections in the morning and three at night.  I emptied the contents onto my kitchen table and sat, paralyzed, looking at all the meds.  Sudden panic hit that I wouldn't remember which needles went with which medicines.  I looked at my husband and blurted, "I don't know what goes with what-look at all this stuff!"  He calmly helped me organize the medicines and reminded me to breathe.  I don't know what I would do without him.

Right now, half of one shelf of our refrigerator is stuffed with medications that must be refrigerated.  The other medicines are safely tucked into a tool box that I have designated to keep all my medicines organized.  They sit, waiting.  I have a little over one more week of birth control pills before I start the shots.

Surprisingly, I feel very calm about the situation.  I am hopeful that it will work, but I also have come to terms with the likelihood that it won't.  I will be nervous the day before, and the day of, my first shots, but I know that I will quickly get the hang of it. The shots don't scare me. I am not looking forward to the hormones because I generally don't do well with hormones, but I am okay with the rest of the process...right now.  I am not looking forward to a bruised tummy from all the shots, but I will get over it.  The only real fear I have about the whole thing is the possibility of twins...now THAT scares the bejesus out of me.  We really want one more baby so to complete our family, but twins...that is something that I am not sure my sanity or my bank account can handle.  Stay tuned, I will be trying to document the process.

The King

This short story is a collection of memories documenting the progression of mother deciding to leave her abusive relationship.
The King

All Things Irish

Here is a link to the first few chapters of a book I am writing. It's about a couple trying to conceive while they struggle to balance faith and medicine.

All Things Irish

Murder with No Permant Consequences

This morning on the Today Show, there was a story about a woman who was denied a hearing to review shared custody of her children. Her request came after she learned that her ex-husband married a woman convicted of killing her children twenty years ago. Five years ago, the woman’s psychiatrist was so concerned about her mental stability, he reported her to the Department of Social Services. When reviewing the mother’s plea to have the custody revised so that her children would not be in harm’s way, the stance of the court was that this woman had not hurt anyone in five years and appeared to be mentally stable; therefore, the children should be allowed to reside with her.

Given my own history with the court system, custody cases, and DSS, and given my position as a psychologist, I was profoundly sad and angry when I first watched the story. I was outraged at the court’s ignorance in making a statement that since this woman had not hurt someone since 2008, she is safe. She has a history of murder and violence; the best predictor of future violence is past violence.  A perfectly capable and loving mother, one who hasn't killed anyone, is able and available to care for the children full time and yet the court did not even hear her plea.  I walked away from the television muttering to myself in a fit of fury.

Then I paused to think more deeply on the subject of why we have such a forgiving court system. Forgiveness is comforting to us. We understand that we are human, and as such, have proclivity to imperfection. It makes us nervous to think that we could permanently damage our lives besed on one moment of weakness, carelessness, or stupidity. We find comfort in the idea of second chances, mulligans, and do-overs. While we seemed outraged at cases like Casey Anthony, inside we are secretly relieved that if such a thing happened in our lives, we might have a chance to walk free. We are comforted in knowing that if something unfortunate happens, we have a chance at redemption.

If a person commits one bad act and thereby internalizes the act as a sign they are a bad person, they are more likely to engage in more bad actions.  By giving second chances and showing mercy and forgiveness, we decrease the likelihood of future acts of that person. Also, given that our judicial system is imperfect, having softness in the system allows for self-correction. The counterpoint is that such decisions send a message to the greater community that these behaviors have a certain level of acceptability. 

While I certainly believe in second chances, I feel that we have to be careful of the messages we are sending.  A cute white woman kills her baby, a football star kills his wife, a famous athlete beats his girlfriend, a famous rockstar sets her boyfriend's house on fire...and we forgive it all...and they make money from the story. The nameless, poor, and minority committing the same crimes receive much more severe consequences.  It sends a confusing message, thereby weakening our faith in the judicial system.  Of further detriment is our sensationalization of violence; it is dangerous and unhealthy to our larger society.   We have to be careful about sending a message that no action has a permanent consequence or that every behavior comes with an excuse or a payout.  I am not suggesting the shaming or dehumanizing of the guilty; I am suggesting that accountability and retribution be a stronger part of our vocabulary. 

When we make everything forgivable, in essence, we forgive the action before it occurs and thereby give a certain level of permission for such behaviors. We can’t forgive abuse or hate crimes or violence. These actions have permanent consequences on the victims, and therefore should also incur permanent consequences on the perpetrator. Casey Anthony shouldn’t make a million dollars for killing her child. OJ Simpson should never have gotten a publishing deal for a book outlining how he would have killed his wife, if he really did it. In the case on the Today show this morning, murdering your own children should prevent you from ever having custody of children.  In order to protect our sense of civics and our society as a whole, we have to be sending stronger, more consistent messages about how we will manage the most unforgivable crimes. It’s a sad day when murder of the innocent no longer has permanent consequences on those responsible.

Orioles Magic, Will it Happen?

I am an Orioles fan through and through.  I don’t think I have a choice; it’s part of my history.  My grandmother was a diehard Orioles fan.  She would make dinner while listening to the game on her radio, which she propped against the screen in an open window for the best reception.   She would read the morning paper and grumble about a trade and get in heated conversations with anyone about the strengths and weaknesses of the team.  She passed her passion onto her boys, who passed it onto their children.  When I think of summer as a child, it was marked by baseball in every way.  It was our lullaby that rocked us to sleep at night, our leisure activity, the background of most events, and theme that ran through most conversations.  My father watched the games on television with the sound muted so he could listen to the commentating on the radio.  If we were so unlucky as to have to travel during a game, the game still came with us through static filled air waves.  There would be times that the static was so loud we couldn’t hear the plays at all, but my father would shush us and listen ever so carefully, only to cheer to curse at something he heard behind the static.  Our favorite family outing during the summer was Buck Night at Memorial Stadium.  My mother filled thermoses full of fresh lemonade, wrapped hot dogs in foil, and packed our gloves. We sat in the bleachers and ate our picnic, listening to the crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd, and the call of the vendors. The air was hot and wet and smelled of stale beer, cigarettes, and hot dogs.  It was the smell of the stadium, the smell of baseball, the smell of summer.  We screamed “Charge!” and danced to John Denver and wished we were the lucky soul that just heard, “Give that fan a contract!”  It was a time of the greats: Dempsey, Ripken, Murray, Bumbry, and Palmer.   Fathers watched wistfully at the Ripken clan, wishing they could be the proud father waving their son on to home in the big leagues.   We cheered when Earl Weaver gave us fireworks and we booed when we heard Jim Palmer was hurt, again.  At the end of the night we would sit in traffic for hours trying to get home.  We listened to the post-game show and recapped every amazing play. We didn’t mind. We were proud to be Orioles fans.  I miss those days.  I want to be able to pass on the Oriole pride to my children, but it’s hard to do when we have nights like the other night when we were down by nine runs at the end of the first inning.  All over Baltimore there are conversations about what has gone wrong with the Orioles.  Is it ownership or management, bullpen or bats?  Everyone has a theory.  Some have gotten so disgusted that they have put away their orange and black.  Others have stopped watching all together. Baltimore is tired and broken, mourning the loss of a team we once knew and loved.  While some think our glory days are behind us, I believe we are in a temporary slump.  Baltimore is a proud city.  We are a loyal city.  While we may say that we have given up hope, we can’t shake the Orioles.  Our blood runs orange and black and we can’t deny what is part of us, part of our history.  We are 33rd street and Camden Yards, Robinson and Roberts, and everything in between.  Deep in our bones, we remember what it was like to be great. While we may say we have given up all hope, I believe most of us are just waiting for the magic to return to Baltimore.  I just hope it happens soon; there is a whole new generation eager to  make new baseball memories.

A Call for More Responsible Voting

John Adams once said, “In a large society, inhabiting an extensive country, it is impossible that the whole should assemble to make laws. The first necessary step, then, is to depute power from the many to a few of the most wise and good.”  I tripped across this quote the other day and it gave me pause. I have always viewed our elected politicians as mere representatives of the larger population.  Campaigns and elections are built on the concept of selecting a person to go to Washington to represent and reflect the views of the larger community.  As citizens, we have visions of our representatives sitting in on the Hill saying, “The people don’t agree and since my votes represents them, I vote nay.”  Of course, that isn’t how it really works, and this is why the general population is angry. In politics, there is maneuvering and deal making, party lines, political favors and promises.  There is no representation of the people, except in rhetoric and sound bites. Somewhere between John Adams and John Boehner, our political system has moved from the responsibility to govern to the responsibility to maintain power. This isn't the fault of those elected, but the fault of those who elected them.  Our forefathers laid down specific guidelines that we have ignored.  They asked us to select the good and wise, not the greedy and petulant. This is where we, as Americans, have failed ourselves.  We have become careless citizens, ignorant and lazy, dismissive of our power and responsibility to vote for those most qualified to lead us. We vote because we like someone’s smile.  We vote because they look like us, talk like us, are of similar intelligence, and check the same party box.  We vote based on promises that are appealing to us as individuals and forego the needs of the country as a whole. We vote because we don’t like the last guy or because our lives don’t feel better since we last voted.  We vote for the person with the better sound bites.  We forget that we aren’t voting for student body president, but for elected representatives that govern our entire country.  The competence of our leaders is a direct reflection of the care we take in selecting them.   As citizens, we have the responsibility to select our leaders with care; we should be choosing educated, thoughtful, wise, and careful men and women to lead and govern.  We don’t need leaders who think like us; we need leaders who think better than us.  During this debt crisis, the concern isn’t that there won't be a decision.  Come next week, a decision will be made. The concern is that it won’t be the best decision because as Americans, we have not chosen our best, most wise men. We have chosen rookies, mavericks, outliers, and fringe characters who are nothing more than sound bites.  We proudly chose officials that know less about world history, geography, and government than us. We didn't choose leaders based on credentials, but lack thereof.  American voters have behaved like children, choosing the most popular kids who foolishly promised recess every day.  It’s the Lord of the Flies in government right now and it’s our fault as voters.  We didn’t vote for the grown-ups who could responsibly manage complex economic and political issues, we voted for the cool kids.  May this debt crisis be a wake-up call for all Americans to be more thoughtful and informed voters. We can no longer make decisions based on party lines, personal convictions, charisma, or flashy campaign ads.  We have a responsibility to use our vote wisely.  We need a collection of men and women who are much smarter than us. We need leaders who can come together and make decisions that are about governing, not about politics.  We need a collection of men and women dedicated to the preservation of the country and not the preservation of power.  We need a collection of the most wise and good.  We can save our popularity votes for American Idol.

Taking the Cuts

I have just returned from having two moles biopsied.  It isn’t my favorite thing to do, but given that I love being in the sun and I don’t want to die of cancer, I’ll take the cuts.  Of course, I scheduled my appointment after returning from a week at the beach.  As I try to adjust the paper towel covering me, the male nurse notices my bathing suit marks and says, “Nice tan.”  He doesn’t have any tone to his voice, but the effect is the same.  I know it is ridiculous to be sitting in a room waiting to have pre-cancerous moles removed with a savage tan, but it seems par for the course for me.  A few years ago, I would have rushed to provide a whole slew of excuses.  Now, I just shrug it off and save my breath.  He doesn’t care.  He isn’t the one sitting on the table.  I’m the idiot here, not him.  The doctor asks me if I reapply sunscreen every two hours.  Again, I could lie, but I don’t.  She tells me my honesty is refreshing.  Her approval of my honesty is the highlight of my visit.  Before I know what is happening, she shoves a needle in my neck like I am James Bond and she is the evil doctor charged with taking me down.  While I am still trying to figure out if she killed me, she takes to my skin with a doll size biscuit cutter.  She takes off two moles-one on my neck and one on my chest.  As she is stitching up the big hole in my chest, she says to the male nurse, “see how much easier it is to close it up when there is a flat surface.”   Ouch.  That stings. I have never been chesty, but really, "flat surface?" Was that really necessary?  It is a sad day in a woman’s life when her neck officially has more curves than her chest.

Ya Ole' Girl

Awww, damn it to hell. That is all I have to say right now. Yesterday I was sick to my stomach. I couldn’t tell if it was the cart load of vitamins I take every day or perhaps early signs of pregnancy. I was hoping for the latter since that is why I take the cart load of vitamins in the first place. This morning I woke up feeling just as poor. I tried to go for my morning walk, but had to stop because I was gagging. A little bit of excitement crept in, so I took a pregnancy test. Of course, it came back negative. And, of course, several minutes later I got my period.

Here is what I have learned this past year. First, taking a pregnancy test is the most efficient way for me to bring on my period. Second, those damn vitamins don’t do anything but make me sick. Third, I am never going to have another baby without fertility treatments.

I ran across an article this morning that was posted on ABC news that said that 90% of a woman’s eggs are gone by the time they are 30. I must only have three or four old decrepit eggs left.  They hobble around with the help of a walker, taking breaks to re-apply vapo-rub. By the time they get to the promise land, late and worn out, those saucy ladies are swatting off suitors with their big empty purses, calling for the police. At this point, I am not even sure if they would take the help from fertility specialists. These ole’ girls, both me and my eggs, are getting cranky.

We got THE letter

Yesterday I received a letter that said we have finally been approved by our insurance company for fertility treatments.  Although I am sneezing on 38 years and have been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half, I have not been able to qualify for coverage. I have had two miscarriages in the past year.  According to my insurance company, this isn't a fertility problem, but more of a sustaining problem.  We were told that in order to be eligible for treatments, we had to try for one year with no pregnancies. This news was devastating.  Although we were continuing to try, we were also paralyzed by fear of another miscarriage. With every month that passed, I would exhale that I wasn't pregnant. I was so terrified to miscarry and set the year date back even further. Plus, I knew one more miscarriage would send me over the edge.  My doctor told me fertility drops significantly after 38.  Did I already mention that my 38th birthday is this September?  I didn't want to risk pushing the treatment date any further into "the barren land of those over 38."  I would cry that I wasn't pregnant. I was working so hard, why wasn't my body cooperating?

I hate feeling old and broken, which is how I feel every month I'm not pregnant.

We are now officially knocking on the door of one year from the last miscarriage.  Starting next month, we will be able to start fertility treatments. When we sought fertility treatments before getting pregnant with my son, we ended up pregnant the month before we were cleared for treatment.  We were hoping for the same luck this time. I shared my hopes with my doctor, who said, "Lightening doesn't often strike twice, and now you are much older."  In my grand maturity about being called old, I thought about sticking my tongue out at her and calling her something like 'stupidhead'.  Instead, I quietly thanked her for her insight, left the office as quickly as possible, and sat in my car and cried.
I continue to struggle with the idea of fertility treatments.  I was hoping I would never be this close to the decision.  I think fertility treatments are wonderful for those who have never had children.  For me, with three beautiful children already, I feel like I am tempting God.  Maybe He is trying to tell me that more babies aren't in my future. There is an old story of a man caught in a flood. The man goes to the top of his roof to wait for God to save him.  Men in boats and helicopters come by and offers to help and the man says, "No thanks, I am waiting for God."  When he gets to heaven, he asks God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replies, "I sent you boats and helicopters!"  So are the infertility treatments my boats and helicopters, or my petulant defiance of a greater will?  I suppose only God has the true answer to that question. We decided to continue to try and see what happens.  Whether we were meant to have a baby with or without treatments was something we were going to just let unfold naturally.  After all, who are we to try to figure out the bigger plan?

Upon opening the letter yesterday, I thought,  "Okay, one more month to give it a go. Let's hope I get pregnant this month...or maybe I hope I don't because if it doesn't stick, it's a full extra year and we are so close." This see-saw of thoughts happens in the heads of women struggling with fertility universally.  I am no different.  This same see-saw has tortured my thoughts for a full year. Yesterday felt different because I had no emotion, no heart tug, no heaviness, no hopefulness.  I had the thought, and then I let it go.  It was not an emptiness or a resignation, but comfort in letting go to the bigger plan.  This same topic over the course of the past year has sent me spiriling into sadness.  Yesterday I didn't have to talk about it and pick it apart like a vulture stripping every last bit of meat from the bone. I didn't have to cry about it. This felt new and empowering.  I feel strong and secure in my ability to let go and let life lead me where it will. I am much less sketchy and twitchy, sad and crumpled.

This past year has been difficult. My reaction to the letter signified my movement into something new. We are still hoping for our family of four. We are still unsure if it will ever happen.  It still makes me sad more often that I would like, but I no longer feed on the sadness for breakfast, lunch and dinner. This is progress.

Running Away

I used to run all the time. I would run for close to two hours every day. People run for a variety of reasons-some like the health benefits, some like the runners high, some like the toned legs and flat belly, some like the peace, some like the challenge. I didn’t run for any of those reasons. I ran to keep my chest from exploding with pent-up anger. I ran to look good-not for myself or for others, but so that the darkest part of me would stop screaming at me about my flaws. I ran from a bad marriage, from a frustrating existence, from a sense of worthlessness, from a past I couldn’t escape, from all the bad decisions. I ran away.  I ran to undo time. I ran to speed up time. I ran until I was exhausted and the voices in my head would be so tired, they would be still for a bit. I ran to sweat out the dark, sticky muck that was clogging my heart, dulling my senses, and weighing my limbs. I ran to think. I ran to sort through all my messy thoughts, which would race as quickly as my feet until we were both empty and exhausted. I ran towards something I couldn’t find.

I don’t run anymore. I don’t have to. I no longer feel the need to run from anything or towards anything. I don’t have to sort things out or try to carve my body back into my younger self.

Today, I went walking. As I looped around the river, I watched hundreds of insects dot the top of the water, giving the impression of rainfall on the otherwise still brown surface, and I thought, ‘bugs.’ I saw a caterpillar precariously creeping across the path and I thought, ‘caterpillar.’ I saw a leaf, crumpled and trampled on the ground and I thought, ‘leaf.’ I heard the swoosh swoosh of my own footsteps and I thought nothing. My mind was still. Peace had caught up to me because I had stopped running.

The Feel of Love

When I first met my husband, I couldn’t remember what he looked like the next day. Even after several dates, when we would meet, I was always surprised by his appearance. There is nothing wrong with my husband’s looks; I kept forgetting what he looked like because for the first time, my heart served as my eyes. My vision of what is true and good is much better this way. I should have used this technique a long time ago-I could have saved myself a lot of trouble trying to make the ugly pretty.

The night we first met, there was a hum and a pulse that slowly moved us through space towards each other. I didn’t notice. I was still seeing with my eyes. In blurry moments of rich darkness and laughter, we were together, alone, in a crowd. The hot night air wrapped the two of us up tightly. The hum and the pulse smothered the noise from the outside world. I remember his laugh tickling my ear, the gentle touch of his hand on the small of my back, the feeling of the night air on my skin as it drew us together. The world faded away. I could almost see the light connecting our hearts and pulling us together. Not a rope of light or an extra-terrestrial beam of light jetting out from our bellies, but a glow and a hum that is silent and invisible, blinding and deafening. Encapsulating us. Protecting us. When I think of my husband, I don’t see a body or a paycheck, labels, skills or scenes…I see the light and the hum-it draws me in, wraps me up, and keeps me safe.

He is the warm breath on the nape of my neck- the open, relaxed lips and brush of the nose right before a kiss-the eyes that I fall into and hope to get lost in forever. He is the nook of his neck where my head fits perfectly and I lay contently, breathing in the sweet fragrance of soap and shaving cream. He is the arms that wrap around me to block out the world and squeeze out my demons, keeping me safe from even myself. He is my harbor, my home, my life, my light, my redemption, my salvation, my love. I am me. He is him. Stripped down. Honest. Naked. Whole. Complete. Perfectly Imperfect.

I see him best when we are together, tangled and melted into one, eyes closed, breathing each other, with no beginning and no end. With every breath, we melt deeper into each other, into the universe, into ourselves. We are limp with light and warmth- like napping in warm sand. Our love rushes in and settles like a tidal pool, warm and safe and playfully inviting. This is what love looks like feels like to me.

 

The Man and The Boy

I see a man. The man stands tall, proud, pure. He is a good man with a good heart. He believes in love, family, justice, peace, decency, honor. I see a boy. The boy cries for the childhood lost, the memories tainted, the scars, the wounds, the loneliness, the hurt. The boy cries for himself. The boy cries from guilt. The boy cries from anger. The boy cries from sadness. The boy cries from fear of the darkness of his thoughts. The boy cries all the tears he never cried. The boy desires to please, to smooth, to forget. The man knows these are childish thoughts. There is no forgetting, no undoing. There is only movement forward. Through pain. Out of childhood. Out of the past. The man weeps for the child. He weeps for his foolishness. He weeps for his innocence. He weeps for all things lost and all things that will never be lost. The two weep together until they are one.

Love Is...

Love isn’t a feeling or a passion, it’s a series of small actions shared between two people. It isn’t big events or grand gestures, but the things that happen in the little spaces, the small breaths, the silent seconds of every day.

Good love knits together these actions and these moments into a tight weave, folding the fabric back on itself time and time again until a thick quilt is formed, creating a cocoon for those wrapped inside. It offers protection, warmth, safety, comfort.

Bad love tries desperately to string together a series of big actions using big looping stitches, trying to shortcut and ignore the strength of the small stitch. The knots and stitches are loose, lumpy, and uneven. In the end, there isn’t a fabric but more of a moth-eaten bit of cheese cloth. Those that have woven this fabric foolishly think no one sees the holes. When others aren't looking, they pull and tug, stretch and fluff, desperately trying to smooth over, plump,and brighten the coarse bits of fray. They try to wrap themselves, but find only a fight with the other for warmth and protection. When one wins, the other loses. The fabric isn’t big enough for both. Both are left bitter, cold, shivering,and exposed to the elements.