This morning on the Today Show, there was a story about a woman who was denied a hearing to review shared custody of her children. Her request came after she learned that her ex-husband married a woman convicted of killing her children twenty years ago. Five years ago, the woman’s psychiatrist was so concerned about her mental stability, he reported her to the Department of Social Services. When reviewing the mother’s plea to have the custody revised so that her children would not be in harm’s way, the stance of the court was that this woman had not hurt anyone in five years and appeared to be mentally stable; therefore, the children should be allowed to reside with her.
Given my own history with the court system, custody cases, and DSS, and given my position as a psychologist, I was profoundly sad and angry when I first watched the story. I was outraged at the court’s ignorance in making a statement that since this woman had not hurt someone since 2008, she is safe. She has a history of murder and violence; the best predictor of future violence is past violence. A perfectly capable and loving mother, one who hasn't killed anyone, is able and available to care for the children full time and yet the court did not even hear her plea. I walked away from the television muttering to myself in a fit of fury.
Then I paused to think more deeply on the subject of why we have such a forgiving court system. Forgiveness is comforting to us. We understand that we are human, and as such, have proclivity to imperfection. It makes us nervous to think that we could permanently damage our lives besed on one moment of weakness, carelessness, or stupidity. We find comfort in the idea of second chances, mulligans, and do-overs. While we seemed outraged at cases like Casey Anthony, inside we are secretly relieved that if such a thing happened in our lives, we might have a chance to walk free. We are comforted in knowing that if something unfortunate happens, we have a chance at redemption.
If a person commits one bad act and thereby internalizes the act as a sign they are a bad person, they are more likely to engage in more bad actions. By giving second chances and showing mercy and forgiveness, we decrease the likelihood of future acts of that person. Also, given that our judicial system is imperfect, having softness in the system allows for self-correction. The counterpoint is that such decisions send a message to the greater community that these behaviors have a certain level of acceptability.
While I certainly believe in second chances, I feel that we have to be careful of the messages we are sending. A cute white woman kills her baby, a football star kills his wife, a famous athlete beats his girlfriend, a famous rockstar sets her boyfriend's house on fire...and we forgive it all...and they make money from the story. The nameless, poor, and minority committing the same crimes receive much more severe consequences. It sends a confusing message, thereby weakening our faith in the judicial system. Of further detriment is our sensationalization of violence; it is dangerous and unhealthy to our larger society. We have to be careful about sending a message that no action has a permanent consequence or that every behavior comes with an excuse or a payout. I am not suggesting the shaming or dehumanizing of the guilty; I am suggesting that accountability and retribution be a stronger part of our vocabulary.
When we make everything forgivable, in essence, we forgive the action before it occurs and thereby give a certain level of permission for such behaviors. We can’t forgive abuse or hate crimes or violence. These actions have permanent consequences on the victims, and therefore should also incur permanent consequences on the perpetrator. Casey Anthony shouldn’t make a million dollars for killing her child. OJ Simpson should never have gotten a publishing deal for a book outlining how he would have killed his wife, if he really did it. In the case on the Today show this morning, murdering your own children should prevent you from ever having custody of children. In order to protect our sense of civics and our society as a whole, we have to be sending stronger, more consistent messages about how we will manage the most unforgivable crimes. It’s a sad day when murder of the innocent no longer has permanent consequences on those responsible.
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