I should be so excited to have my blood test tomorrow. I am not. I am having anxiety and panic about it to the extent where my heart feels like it it beating out of my chest and I might throw up. Wait, could that be a sign that my pregnancy is still viable? Or is it my anxiety? I am crampy-that is a sign of miscarriage...and a sign of pregnancy. Did I take my suppository at lunch time? I can't remember. Is that a sign of my anxiety or a sign of pregnancy brain? I feel nauseous...wait, no I don't....oops, yes I do, there is that wave of nausea again...wait, where did it go? Did I imagine it? Are my boobs bigger? They feel bigger-well, maybe not. They don't hurt. They tingled a few days ago, but nothing now. Does that mean miscarriage is around the corner? My own brain is driving me to insanity.
I took home pregnancy tests on Friday through Tuesday, all are pregnant...but the lines don't seem to be getting any darker. Today, I took a test and it seemed lighter. Of course, I took it after having a huge bottle of water and only holding my urine for about 2 hours in the middle of the day, but still, it was lighter. Could this be a sign of the end?
I want to be pregnant. I want to use "The Secret" but my anxiety and panic are taking over. I am pretty sure I won't sleep tonight. I am pretty sure I will be nauseous all day tomorrow and the minutes will drag by until they call me. This wouldn't be the first time I have had many positive pregnancy tests only to get a call that the blood test is negative a week later. Maybe that is why this time I am so fanatical about repeated testing (it isn't helping to ease my anxiety, so I should just stop-but when I don't, I panic and test).
I know my anxiety isn't good for a pregnancy. I am so excited to get so far-and terrified to be happy about it.
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