Exhale through the Limbo

14.  That was my HCG number yesterday.  14.  I am now two weeks past my 3 day transfer and they expect the numbers to be over 100 and my was 14.  Of course, I found out minutes before a meeting and has to sit through a meeting sniffling and wiping tears away.  Luckily, it is also cold season, so someone thought I just had a terrible cold.  The others were not fooled.    My heart broke, my spirits sank.  I was so close, yet again.  I can't begin to explain the despair and sadness over being told that once again, I was going to lose pregnancy.

I went to my acupuncturist in a frenetic mess.  He helped to calm me down and said I was, in fact, pregnant.  While he couldn't tell whether the pregnancy would last, for the minute I was pregnant and I should continue to be calm and peaceful and wait and see what happens.  His perspective was that nature will take care of itself and we don't know what those outcomes will be, but maybe the numbers are wrong-maybe the baby is a slow starter-maybe a lot of things. Stress would only harm the baby's chance of surviving, so I should be calm.  By the time I left, I was still feeling so sad, but more calm. 

Today, I am trying to be positive and calm.  I am trying, but the tears just keep flowing.  It feels like pretending for the next two days only puts of the inevitable.  However, what is the harm in thinking positively, doing yoga, and staying peaceful?  If it doesn't work out, at least I won't have whipped myself into a frenzy and if it does work out, maybe the positivity worked.

So for right now, I am once again in limbo.  Once again waiting, praying, and hoping for positive results.  I need to make a change.  Since beginning this process of having another child two years ago, too much of my life has been spent waiting, holding my breath, looking forward to dates in the future. Too much time has been spent in sadness over loss and even more time mourning something that never was.  In the meantime, the seconds, minutes, and days are passing me by.  I am losing time in sadness-losing time in waiting-losing time in daydreaming about something that may never be.  I have a beautiful family and I am blessed.  There is never a time when I am not thankful for my children or the life I lead-and yet my life feels like that second when you hold your breath and tense your body, bracing for the great surprise or protection from another blow.  I have put travel, career, and other things on hold while I hold my breath and brace myself.  It is exhausting and pointless.  I need to exhale.  I need to breathe through the moment.  I need to breathe through the day. But for now, I am still sad with a touch of residual hope.