I was in the middle of a blogging rant about my excitement about being finished with birth control pills when my computer shut down for no good reason. My immediate response was to throw the computer across the room and fall into a puddle of tears on the floor. Right now, everything seems difficult. Of course, it could be the perfect storm of a very busy and stressful time at work, the introduction of the holiday season, lack of sleep, hormone fluctuations, a little family chaos, and a few other things sprinkled in....or it could be that I am a total nut case on birth control pills. I vote for option two. I am frustrated that I am a bloated, overly emotional woman with no libido. I hate looking at my fat face and puffy tummy every morning. I am frustrated that I know this is hormone related and I can't control it-it is just one more thing about my body that I can't control.
But today, I took my last birth control pill. Words cannot express how thankful I am that this phase of IVF is finished. Of course, this isn't the worst phase. I know there are more hormones to come in massive doses. I have been stressed out all week about giving myself shots. I am not thrilled about the needles, but the needles aren't what scare me. I am terrified to mix the medicines wrong or forget to get rid of air bubble and somehow kill myself or zap my ovaries forever. I am terrified to go through all of this to have the cycle be stopped because I don't get enough eggs, or because they are poor quality. I am afraid of it working, afraid of it not working. Every time I have foolishly convinced myself that I don't want another baby, I have to spend time with a pregnant woman or a newborn, which leads to me crying silently into my pillow. It is pathetic and weak, and I hate that about myself. Mostly, I hate that my hard work and perseverance isn't resulting in a win for me.
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