I woke up this morning and felt pretty good about myself.  I got dressed and looked at myself in the mirror and thought I looked great. I felt less bloated than I have in a long time and my face seemed to have returned after it's brief debut in the Macy's parade. My backside even seemed smaller. I strutted through the day feeling full of myself.  I had a brief period of panic when I wondered if I was administering the medication correctly because I wasn't feeling full and bloated.  Other than some headaches, a few hot flashes, and injection soreness and bruising, I have been feeling pretty good.  I spent about two minutes worrying about whether I had any eggs and if they were growing, and then I moved on because I had things to do.  Thank goodness for work. Without it, I would spend too much time surfing the Internet and obsessing about this whole process.

At the end of the day, a work colleague asked me if I was pregnant because I looked fat in my face and round around the middle. The smile on my big fat float face instantly deflated. I don't know what hurt more-being called fat or being called pregnant and wanting it to be true so badly.  I should have skipped dinner and worked out.  Instead, I went home and made gluten free pizza and stuffed my face.  I then did three loads of laundry, picked up the house, checked the kids homework, and put everyone to bed before sinking into the sofa in a big, round, squishy ball of self-loathing for about three minutes before it was time to return to the other things on my "To Do" list.  I could be mad at my colleague, but I'm not because she's right. By the end of the day, my stomach had puffed up and I felt bloated and sore.

Bottom line is that I have a love/hate relationship being fat and squishy, bloated and sore.  It means the medications are working, and I love that.  I also hate looking like a moose all the time. I have cleaned up my diet and added walking a few times a week to my schedule, so I know the added fullness is related to the medication and so I refuse to be too mean to myself, at least for the time being.

Lessons learned so far: I am more capable than I thought when it comes to giving myself shots.  I am getting quick and fluent with the mixing and administering of all the medications. I even administered the shots in the public bathroom at my daughter's lacrosse game last night  .I am surprising myself.   I am also being much nicer to myself than I ever have been before.  For the first time, I am trying to give myself a break.  I am trying to embrace all that I am, including my "flaws" of not being physically perfect. I am resting when I am tired, crying when I feel sad, and not beating myself up later for being weak or less than perfect.  IVF stinks, but it has it's benefits.  Whether or not we ever have a baby, maybe I will learn to like myself more, flaws and all.