So I went for my first monitoring appointment on Friday. I was hoping that after several days of multiple shots, I would see eight to ten follicles, as suggested by my doctor. That number is lower than they would like, but still enough to have IVF. I had four. I was so dissapointed that it took all of my energy to hold back tears until I got to the car, at which point I let go and cried all the way to work. Four. Four is borderline for cancelling a cycle or switching to IUI, which I already know doesn't work for me. I got it together for work, but continued to stand on the line between "together" and "sobbing uncontrollably" all day. I wanted to go home and crawl into bed, and might have taken that option if I didn't have to make a presentation to fifty people, including several of the big guns, at the end of the day. I called my nurse and left a message telling her how upset I was. While we didn't connect in person, her voicemail back to me was very reassuring. She said that the birth control pills may still be suppressing my ovaries and they fully expect to see more follicles pop by my follow-up appointment on Sunday. She also said that my estrogen was low (64) and they were increasing my dosage, which seems impossible given how much medication I am already taking. So, I increased meds and crossed my fingers for better results on Sunday. She also said, "we don't want to see one follicle get bigger than the rest, so it's good that they are all developing together."
Today is Sunday and this morning I went in for my second monitoring appointment. First, there was still only four follicles and second, one is measurable and the rest aren't-so it seems that one is growing faster than the others. Needless to say, I cried all the way home. With every appointment, I get more discouraged. I am so mad at my body and so frustrated that it isn't working. I am frustrated that my stomach is covered in tiny bruises and pin pricks, I have constant headaches, my face is breaking out, and I feel bloated and gross all the time, and yet, I only have four follicles. I am also really struggling with coming to terms that my fertile days are behind me and I am not entering the "grandma" phase of life. I am only 38, way too young for menopause, and yet, my body is sending me the message that it is right around the corner. I have never minded aging. I got gray hair at a young age, I have some wrinkles, and my body doesn't look like a 24 year old's body. I have always been okay with gentle aging. This feels different. This feels like a club to the head. I am so sad. Now is the waiting game. The nurse should call later with the results and future plans. I don't know what to expect, so I will just wait and see.
Sunday night: I went outside for two seconds, and of course, missed the phone call from the doctor's office. The message said my estrogen level was 134 and I should continue the meds and have another monitoring appointment in two days. I can't help but think that this number seems incredibly low. I guess I will wait and see.
Lessons learned: I am not a fan of this process.
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