What do you mean there are TWO pink lines?

I am not a blogger by nature. I talk to my best friend, I text, I Facebook, I email....but I don't blog. That is, until a week ago when two pink lines showed up. Since that time, I have had the uncontrollable urge to write. Here is the short history of how I came to be a mommy of....GULP....four.

I am currently the mother of three children (and one on the way). My two oldest girls, ages 8 and 10, are from a previous marriage. Three years ago, I survived a horrible divorce. Shortly after, I met someone...a someone I liked....a someone I liked A LOT. The only catch was that he wanted children of his own. I wrestled with myself for awhile over whether I was willing to have more children. I love my two girls, but raising them while juggling a terrible marriage wasn't easy. Although I always wanted a big family, I was emotionally exhausted and running on empty from raising two. With the divorce came a new found freedom and endless possibilities. Rushing back into mommyland wasn't top on my 'to do' list.

The idea of having more children scared me. So why not just walk away?  Certainly there are more fish in the sea-fish that weren't interested in having guppies of their own.  The problem was that I was in love...REALLY in love. I was also enamoured with the idea of having a real family...the kind with a great husband, family dinners, vacations, and holidays. The kind of family that would make Norman Rockwell rise from the grave and paint my story. I missed the warm, milky newborn breath on my cheek, the drippy open-mouthed 'kisses' of a baby, strawberry fingerprints on my pants that marked the height of a toddler hug, and paperclip necklaces I wore proudly in public for weeks.

The wonderful man (and the life filled with possibilities that came with the man) won me over. Within a year of marriage, my husband and I welcomed a beautiful baby boy. He is the most wonderful baby. I feel love. I feel competent. I feel in control. I feel blissful. I feel blessed.

My husband and I talked about having more. Our reservations about expanding our family revolved around his constant travel, my return to school for my PhD, the full-time careers of both of us, and the hectic schedules of our three children. On Tuesday we decided that we would wait to expand our family. On Wednesday, I double checked my calendar to make sure I had calculated correctly. On Thursday, I yelled at someone at work for no good reason. It was one of those blood boiling, heart pounding, sweaty, irrational kind of anger spells. I never yell. I never getting really worked up like that unless......oh crap. I'm pregnant.

I rushed to the store, bought three tests. Before picking up my kids from school, I rush home to test my theory. First test-two pink lines. THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT. Second test-two pink lines. CRAP. Third test-two pink lines. You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

So here I sit in the very early stages of pregnancy, getting ready to be a mother of four children, hoping that a blog will ground me in some way. So stay tuned, I am sure it will be an interesting story.